Google ‘what not to wear after age 50’ and you’ll have your pick of thousands of articles telling you what no longer suits your no-longer-30-something body.
We could spend hours studying the clothes we shouldn’t wear and the slang we shouldn’t use and the makeup techniques we need to retire.
Here’s me, weighing in on this topic.
You are over 50 for Pete’s sake. Wear whatever you want. If you’ve made it to 50 and still need to consult articles on how to dress appropriately then you are so missing out on one of the best things about being over 50.
One of the best things about getting older is realising that we don’t have to spend our energy worrying what other people think and we get to be comfortable in our own skin with our own freak flags.
Still, there are a few things that women over 50 really shouldn’t wear:
The weight of the world
When you wear the weight of the world on your shoulders, you age. If you like the feel of the world’s weight and don’t want to give it up, then try scaling back a bit.
Perhaps just wear the weight of a few of the smaller continents. For instance, I am only wearing the weight of Australia and a made up country called ‘Michelloponia’. I think they have a slimming effect.
Shame and regret
So few people can carry this look off. Most of us just end up looking haunted or like we were forced to eat liver and onions. Shame and regret are especially hard to wear after 50. Wearing shame and regret past 50 is one of those things that make your eyes all red and runny looking.
The downward spiral just snowballs from there. Once the eyes get old lady looking, then you have to re-evaluate the wisdom of black eye liner. I say give up wearing shame and regret and f–k giving up on black eye liner.
Rose coloured glasses
Oh, sweetheart, you know who you are. Those glasses do nothing for you. They keep you from examining life and your surroundings realistically.
Yes, reality can suck sometimes, but by the time we hit 50, we need to suck it up, take those glasses off and punch reality into submission. Or just get some really big dark sunglasses instead. They cover all manner of sins.
Stiff upper lip
There is a time and a place for the stiff upper lip, but damn, it can’t be worn all the time. Too much stiff upper lip causes those funky vertical lines between your upper lip and your nose holes.
We don’t always have to be stoic. I’m not suggesting that you wear your heart on your sleeve, but that is a much softer look than wearing a stiff upper lip.
Too many hats
Personally, I can’t pull off wearing one hat much less many hats. I don’t have a hat head. My hair poofs out and my ears look like car doors when I wear a hat. Wearing too many hats just exacerbates these issues.
When you wear too many hats, it’s easy to forget which hat you’re wearing. For instance, are you wearing the ‘no nonsense corporate’ hat when you meant to wear your ‘quirky and kicked back’ hat? We’re not getting any younger, you know. Sooner or later you’re going to accidentally wear your court jester hat to the gynecologist and then where will you be?
I’ll tell you where you’ll be. You’ll be in an undignified position and wearing a stupid hat is where you’ll be.
Resting b*tch face
Just kidding. Wear that one all you want. Although, it wouldn’t hurt if every once in a while, you had a welcoming and kind look on your face. At least that’s what I hear from other people.
There isn’t anything wrong with getting advice about updating your look or what to wear, but we are just inundated with it, aren’t we?
Who says what is appropriate? From where I sit, it seems ‘appropriate’ changes based on geography, social status, income and size. After a while, the advice becomes a confusing blur. I think I’ll just keep wearing my boots and jeans and black tee shirts.
Oh, I do have one real tip. Stop wearing holiday theme clothes. Seriously.
This article originally appeared on Rubber Shoes in Hell.
