The star is haunted by fears of death and a lingering sense of failure.
Nicole Kidman has revealed she often thinks about death as she confronts reaching 40 with many of her deepest dreams unfulfilled. She also admits that she experiences motherhood through her sister Antonia’s four children.
In a tell-all interview that lays bare many of her deepest anxieties about marriage, children and family, the Oscar-winning actress confesses that her life is anything but a Hollywood fairytale — and she often feels like a “failure”.
“I tend to have a lot of thoughts about [death],” Nicole told US magazine Ladies’ Home Journal recently. “I’m just glad that I made it to 40! Sometimes you say, ‘My gosh, with all the trauma and pain in the world, it’s a big feat now to get to that age.'”
No Fairytale
Nicole confesses that her Sydney-based sister Antonia has been her “rock” throughout many personal traumas, and now the actress is keen to return the favour. When Antonia’s marriage to husband Angus Hawley broke down and he had a stint in rehab for anxiety and depression, Nicole was forced to face many of the demons from her own past.
“She’s gone through her own personal tragedy,” says Nicole of her little sister. “It’s so good that I’m in Australia right now. I can be her rock because she was that for me.
“When I’m in Sydney, we’re together every day. I’m at her place almost every night feeding the kids. She wrote me the most beautiful letter the other day saying, ‘You make me feel safe’. I thought, ‘Gosh, that’s exactly how I feel’.”
Indeed, Nicole has been able to provide a shoulder for Antonia to lean on after going through a divorce and watching a person she loves check into a rehab clinic. But having to face her sister’s pain has forced her to reconfront her own.
“That’s all so raw still …” Nicole admits of her husband Keith Urban’s drug and alcohol battle, her voice trailing off mid-sentence.
Baby Dream
Adding to her midlife crisis is her overwhelming desire to start a family with Keith. While the star has long spoken about her desire to have a biological baby, she recently revealed that it is Keith who is dragging his heels.
Friends say the issue has become a source of conflict between the couple, with Keith forced to defend himself during a recent interview with a Canadian newspaper.
“We both would love to have children when the time is right,” he says. “And right now, we just don’t have that time. But it’s not like we’re not trying.”
While Nicole admits she would be “thrilled” if she became pregnant, for now the star is living out her baby dreams by helping to look after Antonia’s four children.
After suffering two traumatic miscarriages, the star admits that her sister’s healthy pregnancies have become a shared experience. With her two adopted children, Isabella and Connor, now often with their father Tom Cruise in LA, Nicole relishes her involvement with sister Antonia’s family.
An Unusual Bond
“I was on the phone with Antonia when she gave birth,” reveals Nicole. “Antonia always calls them ‘our babies’ so that’s beautiful too. You know, when she gets pregnant, she always says ‘we’re pregnant’, so we sort of share it. We’re just unusual in our bond.”
While Nicole and Keith recently celebrated their first wedding anniversary, she says she can’t help but feel she has failed to find the happiness that her sister has achieved.
“Most of my life is living in a trailer,” she told the US magazine. “My sister lives five minutes from my parents. I didn’t settle down five minutes away, and into that lifestyle, even though I sort of hold it as an ideal.
“But somehow it’s just not my life and it won’t ever be my life. That’s a hard thing to grasp at times. You constantly feel like, ‘Oh, I’ve never lived up to that’.
“I have travelled most of my life. I’ve been a gypsy a long time. I’ve been searching for things and on a quest — my children have travelled the world rather than growing up in the same neighbourhood. And at times I feel like a failure because of that.
“[But] my mum said a really great thing to me the other day. She said, ‘So you have an unusual life, Nic. It’s just different, and that’s OK’.”
For the full story, see this week’s Woman’s Day (on-sale October 1)
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