Mick was my first love; we met when we were both 19 while taking a year off before attending university.
We were together for two years, he was my first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend. We shared many firsts throughout those years; first kiss, first sexual encounter, first heartbreak and I was certain we would get married one day.
Our first year together was fast paced and turned quickly into crazy infatuation on my part. I wanted to know everything he did and everyone he talked to. I was young and quite insecure and couldn’t help feeling a horrible pang of jealousy when I saw him chatting to other girls.
After being together for a while Mick needed me to go online and look up an email for him, he gave me his password not knowing that I have a knack for memorising passwords and important information.
This was a huge mistake on his part because, even though I knew it was wrong, I couldn’t help myself from having a snoop at his emails. At that point I didn’t suspect he was doing anything wrong or that I’d find anything I didn’t want to see, but as crazy as it sounds now I was just desperate to know everything about him…
I soon became obsessed with secretly checking his emails daily, this craziness led to me sneaking a look at his mobile phone whenever he left the room. I never found anything, but I had a weird feeling that I couldn’t trust him as he was always out with the boys and never answered his phone, unless he wanted a ride home at 4am.
This doubt and suspicion on my part grew more intensely when he stopped showing me affection and would refuse to have sex with me. At this point we had been together for nearly two years, I tried everything I could to reignite his interest in me but nothing worked, it just made me feel more humiliated. I was devastated and felt helpless to save our relationship.
I was slowly becoming depressed and one day I confronted him about our sexless relationship, I said it wasn’t normal for a couple who are 21 years old not to have sex — ever. His reply was like a slap in the face: “I am just not physically attracted to you anymore,” he said. “You have put on way too much weight and I don’t go for fat girls.”
So there I ended it on the spot, deep down I had known that our relationship had been doomed for a while but I was so obsessed with him that I had still carried hope that things would change.
However, my strange compulsion to check his emails remained. Through my daily updates (unbeknown to him) I discovered that one month later he was dating a girl that I had seen him talking to at a friend’s party…
I was rapt, even though I was so hurt and bitter about our relationship breakdown I couldn’t shake my addiction to his life. A couple of the emails referred to me and I was pained once again to learn all the things that he thought of me were being discussed freely with this new girl.
Two years on and I am with the most gorgeous man who I trust and never feel the urge to check his personal email or mobile.
Though shamefully every few days I do still check Mick’s email just to see whether him and the “mistress” are still going good (which they seem to be), she somehow has him wrapped around her little finger.
I honestly don’t know why I do it. I have a weird fascination with him and I am trying really hard to break my snooping addiction. All I can do is take it one day at a time.
Oh, how do I do this without him finding out? Once I read an email I highlight it and mark it as unread. It’s so easy and so efficient that in four years he has never changed his password.
So, girls and guys, if your instincts are telling you that something is wrong and you are driven towards the path of spying, just listen to them because they are probably right.
Your say: Have you experienced a similar infatuation? Do you have advice for the writer? Share your thoughts below.
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