I have been brought up in a strict Italian Catholic family. My whole life has been organised from day one, including my arranged marriage.
When I was growing up I was always the one to miss out on fun activities with my friends and fellow students, as my father thought a young lady should be at home helping the family. I always had to make up excuses to my friends as to why I wasn’t allowed. They soon got the picture once we became older and realised my life at home wasn’t quite like theirs.
After I finished Year 12, my life went downhill. I was never allowed to see any of my school friends unless they came over to see me. If I wanted to go out, my older brother had to tag along and I still had to be home by 12am on the dot. I wasn’t even allowed to have a job. Just after my 21st birthday, I ‘met’ a young man by the name of Robert. My father introduced us. I always knew I would end up marrying him.
As I got to know Robert a little better, I realised that one of his best friends James was the guy I had loved throughout high school. We never went out because I wasn’t allowed. I know he felt the same way as I did towards him, but we both knew it was impossible for us to be together. James was a few years above me at school. All the girls loved him and he always had a new girlfriend. I was so jealous of them.
Robert and I were soon engaged, without one night to be spent together before the wedding day. The wedding organisation was fun and exciting — in a way I knew I would be out of my father’s arms. I was so happy when Robert asked James to be one of his groomsmen. I couldn’t wait to see him, just to rekindle that high school feeling I had for him. I had to keep it to myself, though.
James knew how I felt for him throughout high school and I presumed he felt the same way. I could tell by the way he would look at me now. Every time he would come over I would catch him checking me out and if we were to walk past each other he would always make that effort to touch me in the slightest way.
Two nights before my wedding, James came over to see Robert and me while we were renovating our house, putting the finishing touches in before our big day. The boys decided they were going to order pizzas and have a few drinks.
While Robert was out getting the drinks, James and I began talking about high school. He told me that he knew I loved him and he felt the same way. Before I knew it, he leant over and kissed me. I felt so guilty but at the same time so happy — this was my only opportunity without being forced by my family.
One thing led to another and we made love on the empty lounge room floor in front of the heater. I finally felt free. This was the only thing I had ever done without any of my family having anything to do with it. It only lasted about 20 minutes, but that 20 minutes I will never forget.
We both knew we had to keep it a secret. We didn’t even have to say anything. My wedding day came and went. Robert never suspected a thing.
I feel so guilty to this day but so happy at the same time knowing I finally did something on my own without asking permission or being told. My family would disown me and never talk to me again if they knew. That’s the best part, at times, although I will make sure they never, ever find out.
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