- Sarah Robb shares the unique way she overcame her grief of losing her mum and dad
- Her idea not only fostered a special connection but also helped her get through Christmas
- Now, she helps others with her Christmas decorations to communicate with those they’ve lost
- Here, Sarah, 31 from Christchurch, NZ, tells her story
Fighting back the tears, I bit my lip.
“I’ll book a flight now,” I told my brother. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
He’d just called me to tell me Mum had suffered a brain aneurysm and was in the ICU fighting for her life.
It was 2018, and it had only been six years since our dad had died in an accident.
I’d finished a degree in psychology and was in Colombia travelling. I jumped on the next flight I could back to New Zealand.
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Arriving at the hospital, a doctor came to speak to me.
“It’s not looking good,” he told me, honestly.
I sat rigidly by my mum’s bedside for 10 days before she sadly passed away, aged 57 – the same age Dad had been when he died.
I was overcome with grief and as a way of coping, I started writing letters to both my parents.
In the letters, I reminisced and told them how much I missed them, as well as filling them in on what was happening in my life.
It helped me to ease my pain and stay connected to them, particularly during the festive season, when I found myself missing them the most.
I wish I was on the family boat fishing with Dad, I wrote to Mum.
In 2020, I went to Australia and studied trauma and the power of the subconscious mind, and a year later in July, I set up a grief resilience and mindset coaching business.
Having suffered through my own grief, I wanted to help others ease theirs.
When Christmas came around again that year, my sense of loneliness was once again heightened.
One night, I was in the pub with my friend, Hannah, 32, and Christmas revellers were all around us.
“I hate Christmas,” I told her. “It makes me miss my mum and dad so much.”
“Why don’t you write to them?” Hannah offered. “It might make you feel better.”
I smiled.
“Funny you should say that,” I replied. “That’s exactly what I’ve been doing for the past two years.”
I explained to her how much it had helped me work through my grief.
“So many other people must be feeling the same way,” she said.
I realised she was right, and it made me want to help them, so I came up with an idea.
I set up an initiative, calling it Christmas Connection, and asked people to write their dead loved ones a message, which I would then copy onto a wooden Christmas decoration and display on a memorial tree in my house throughout December.
Then, on Christmas Eve, I would burn the decorations on a small fire brazier, so the messages could be passed over to the deceased.
On December 1, 2021, I announced Christmas Connection on my personal social media pages.
Within 10 days, I had hundreds of messages.
Cutting each decoration into shape and copying the messages with a permanent marker was time-consuming, but knowing what that person had gone through and how hard it must have been for them to write down their feelings kept me going.
By the time Christmas Eve rolled around, I’d received 250 messages from people all around the world.
That evening, I invited some close friends over to my house and together we set fire to the messages.
Watching them burn, I felt a sense of peace.
The feedback from the people who sent the messages was amazing.
You’ve helped me heal in a difficult time, one told me.
This was heartfelt, sentimental and exactly what I needed, wrote another.
The following year, we had 1000 messages and hopefully this year there will be even more.
Giving back to others at Christmas is the best gift I could ask for.
Grieving at Xmas
Five gentle tips to help you through the season.
- Prepare ahead of time by taking a moment to consider who you really want to spend Christmas with, be it family, close friends or someone special.
- Say “no” when necessary. Allow yourself to decline invitations that may leave you stretched too thin or evoke painful memories.
- Honour loved ones. Meaningful ways to remember those who’ve passed can include writing heartfelt cards that express love and memories, and perhaps sharing them with family or placing them at a memorial.
- Practice self-kindness. It’s okay to be gentle and compassionate with yourself during the Christmas season. It’s also okay to feel a mix of joy and sorro.
- Seek support for your grief. Recognise that Christmas can be overwhelming and that it’s okay to seek out support from counsellors or therapists who specialise in grief.
Source: Grief.org.au
