When I was 18 years old I had an unplanned pregnancy. I had been with my boyfriend for three years and like all girls at that age, I thought he was the one.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was devastated. I was shocked by my boyfriend’s response. He was elated and on the phone telling his parents within minutes. That’s when the rollercoaster begun.
My parents were not impressed at all, they lived interstate and would ring constantly, questioning me and making sure I was aware of all the options available. I knew they wanted me to have an abortion, but my boyfriend was so excited and was making plans for our future.
Every time I attempted to talk to my boyfriend about my feelings, he would brush me off and say it was just my hormones talking and that things would get better once the morning sickness ended. (How could they get better when my parents were so disappointed in me and I was not in the least bit excited?)
My boyfriend did not have a fulltime job and could barely support himself, let alone a baby and me. I was always the stable one who was going places and all of a sudden I felt totally out of control.
When I was 13 weeks pregnant, my boyfriend and I went to my brother’s wedding. It was a wonderful weekend, surrounded by family and friends. I was horrified when it was announced to everyone that I was expecting. I felt like running away. I was so unhappy about it and felt I could not offer anything to this child. Here were all these people congratulating me when I knew from the look in their eyes that they pitied me. The moment I saw my sister-in-law walk down the aisle I made my decision.
The day after the wedding I pulled my mum aside and told her that I wanted an abortion. My mum was great, I could tell she was pleased, but all she said was that she would sort it out. So began our plan. I dropped my boyfriend off at home and told him I was having pains in my stomach and that I was going to stay with my mum for a while for some TLC. I felt guilty but knew it was the only way.
I went to my mum’s and had an abortion the following day. My mum was so supportive. My mum even rang my boyfriend and told him that I’d had a miscarriage and was not up to talking at the moment. When I finally did speak with him, he was so concerned about me I just burst into tears. We split up not long after.
To this day, my mum and I are the only ones who know the truth. The rest of my family and my now ex-boyfriend all believe I had a miscarriage. The worst of it is, I am now 29 years old and my husband and I have been trying to conceive for the past 18 months. Deep down, a silly part of me thinks that it has something to do with my actions.
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