Please let me start by saying that I love my husband and kids. But the truth is I never had a yearning to be a parent. If I had not married Michael, who desperately wanted children, I doubt I would have become a mother.
To complicate things, both my pregnancies were difficult, so I did not get to have the “glowing” period so many other mothers seem to go through. Then I had problems with breastfeeding, and my first child seemed incapable of sleeping. I felt like I was always grumpy and snapping at everyone.
I felt guilty putting the children in day care when I went back to work, but we needed my full-time wage, and I needed the headspace. Suddenly I wasn’t just “mum” anymore; I could have real conversations with adults that didn’t involved childhood milestones and parenting tips. I could go out for coffee and not have to worry about what the kids were up to, or be constantly interrupted. It was bliss.
Michael felt the guilt of “abandoning” the children more than I did, and he tried desperately to get a job that paid more so I could go part-time. I told him I didn’t mind working and he looked horrified.
He said I was just saying it to make him feel better, “because a mother should want to be with her children” and he tried even harder to get new work. Whenever I could I offered to post his applications but I put them in the bin.
Then my boss offered me a major promotion. The salary increase was significant, and my boss made it clear that it would not mean long hours in the office. She was a mother too and “knew what it was like to be away from the family”.
I’d like to say what happened next took a while to occur to me, but the moment I walked out of the office I called Michael and told him the good news, and suggested that he apply to go part-time.
I also added that it would mean longer hours in the office, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make for the children. But I intended to take more time for myself.
My first night out was to the movies. A group of us from the office went to see the latest blockbuster. It felt so indulgent and wonderful. After that it became an almost weekly event. I would go out for drinks with friends, or to a cosy cafe to read a book. I even went on a girls’ weekend away, which I told my husband was a conference.
I know it is deceitful, and my shame is compounded by the sympathy I get from my husband every time I come in at 10 o’clock from “the office”. But since I have been doing this he has been happier than I have ever seen him, the kids are grounded and getting lots of quality dad time, and I am fulfilled and relaxed too.
Surely such a secret cannot be a bad thing?
Your say: Do you avoid spending time with your children? Share your thoughts below.
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