A Reddit user* has bravely opened up about a very familiar fear…
My girlfriend, Emily, and I have been dating for six months now.
Two nights ago, she sat me down and told me that she had something to tell me. Emily said that when she was 16, she was in a rough situation, and got pregnant. When her baby was born, her parents had an agreement with Emily’s sister that she would raise the baby until Emily had the means to get him back.
Emily worked hard to graduate, get a job, get an apartment, and finally got back in contact with her son, now 13-year-old.
He’s been doing weekly visits, and has his own room at her place (we mostly either go out, or hang out at my place, and while I see her often, she does say she has “family stuff” if she’s busy). Soon, he’ll be moving in full time, and they’re both really excited.
In the past, they had done counselling sessions with a child psychologist so that he could come to terms with everything, and according to Emily, he’s very well-adjusted. They have a good relationship, he’s got a clean record, and is doing very well in school. She asked if I would be willing to meet him the next day because it’s her next visit. I said that was fine.
Before I left, she said she didn’t want me to feel like she was looking for someone to be her son’s dad. She just wanted to be open with me, and since he was such a huge part of her life, it was only fair that I was included, because she wants me to be a big part of her life.
I asked why she didn’t tell me before, and she told me it was because she didn’t want to complicate things, and so her son’s privacy could be respected. She’d made the mistake of letting people in too early, and it just hurt them both.
I didn’t know how to feel when I left, but everything just felt odd.
“He shook my hand and kept calling me by my last name like I was a teacher. He was very polite, and a little bit shy.”
Yesterday, I went over to her house for dinner, and she introduced me to her son. He shook my hand and kept calling me by my last name like I was a teacher. He was very polite, and a little bit shy.
Even though he’s a pretty stocky guy, he kept trying to hide behind his mom like he was 7. It was very endearing. We got along really well and talked about how he likes sports, and how excited he is to come live with his mum. Nothing too serious, just lighthearted fun. By the time we finished dinner, Emily was upset because it was getting late, and he still hadn’t done his homework.
They argued a little bit, but it was all very light, and she was still charming. He struggled a little with his math, and so I stepped in to help out. We talked about how he wanted to do something regarding science when he was older, and Emily piped up, saying that I work in STEM. He got excited about that, then bummed again when Emily made him do his English homework.
Overall, they had a terrific dynamic. When I first came in the apartment, he was shy enough just to be mumbling to his mum, and she didn’t force him to talk or yell at him, she just let him cling onto her and mumble until he was comfortable.
Overall, they had a terrific dynamic. When I first came in the apartment, he was shy enough just to be mumbling to his mum, and she didn’t force him to talk or yell at him, she just let him cling onto her and mumble until he was comfortable.
Emily gushed about how good he is at sports, and he said that not only does Emily come to every game, but she always cheers the loudest for him.
After he went to bed, Emily said she was really happy with how things went, and she was glad that we got along so well. I agreed, and we left it at that.
Seeing Emily last night made me realise that I do love her, and I’d be excited to have kids with her.
I just don’t know if I want this kid.
He’s a nice kid, and we got along really well, but I don’t want to feel like a stepfather.
There’s just something different having raised your own kids and seeing them from day one. And there’s a lot of baggage involved, even if both of them have tried to work it out- I feel like it’ll just keep rising up.
I just don’t know if I’m ready to enter into it all.
Three months later…
I went forward with the idea that Emily and her son are a package deal in mind, and it’s been a weird process since.
We get along really well, and I’ve found that I’m lucky to have this kid in my life. He’s funny, mature, intelligent, witty. But at the same time, he’s not my kid, and he never will be, and that’s something hard to navigate.
It’s hard to describe the feeling- of loving this kid and feeling like a dad, but never being one and feeling like you can’t be one. But I try.
It’s a lot of blood, sweat and tears (Emily can testify to the tears), but it’s so worth it. A few weeks after I found out about him, Emily told me her son was getting picked on because he didn’t have a dad to do a father-son activity at school.
“It’s a lot of blood, sweat and tears (Emily can testify to the tears), but it’s so worth it.”
I decided to go, just to scope out how that sort of thing felt. The look on his face got rid of every question I’ve had, every doubt or regret.
Emily and I are in counselling. We found out shortly after I posted that Emily is pregnant- and we’re twice blessed in that it’s twin girls.
There were a lot of emotions, and we both knew that it was a weird situation and we haven’t been dating that long. So, we went to see a counsellor.
Sometimes Emily’s son joins us, but it’s mostly us, learning how to be our best for her son and our daughters, and each other. We’ve been testing each other some days, and this pregnancy has put a strain on every relationship we have.
Her son moved in, and they’re stepping on each other’s toes.
I moved in, and we’re all learning our new boundaries and new bonds.
It’s hard. There’s a lot of stupid mistakes I regret making now, that I’ll regret more in 5 years. If I had s time machine and my current knowledge, I might’ve been more careful during sex.
I might’ve put distance where I didn’t. But for right now, I’m happy to be with my girlfriend and her son, waiting for our little Amelia and Lorelei.
This is teaching me how to be a good dad, a good partner, and a good human. I’m learning coping skills for so many things in life, and I’m just learning how to be okay.
This is a situation a lot of people would shake their heads at and say “poor guy”, but I’m blessed, and I’m thankful.
Story was posted by Reddit confused: confusedn00
