I had an arranged marriage in 2004. It was a marriage where my mum chose my husband for me and I was just expected to turn up for the wedding.
My mum had been very hard on me throughout my life and I wanted her to love me – I wanted her approval so badly. So thinking that it would make her finally approve of me, I agreed to the arranged marriage.
It has been almost six years. No one except my husband and I know why I still do not have a baby yet. The truth is my marriage remains unconsummated.
Being strangers, my husband and I were never able to feel that type of passion for each other. We have grown to love each other as a brother and a sister and are very loyal to each other.
To the outside world, we successfully pass off as a normal husband and wife. But of course we are struggling to have a baby, albeit for different reasons than most couples in this awful predicament of a childless marriage.
Due to the fact that we do not have an actual marriage, we are forced to go to fertility clinics to find an artificial way to have a baby. I find it heartbreaking to go through the treatments, knowing that if my life had turned out differently all this may not be necessary and I could be enjoying trying for a baby the natural way.
I come from a family where divorces are not allowed and are frowned upon.
I have kept all this pain in my heart and I struggle to sleep at night. I yearn for a baby and the love of a child. Even more, I yearn for a ‘real’ husband. One who can touch me and make me feel loved in a passionate way.
But I have grown to accept the brother that I found in return for the arranged marriage.
My mother does not know how she has ruined my life. I would never want her to know the truth. What makes it worse is that I still live without my mother’s approval today – oh the bitter irony!
Being young, I sacrificed myself, trying to make others happy. By the time I realised my mistake, it was too late.
I love my husband like a sibling and a friend but sometimes when I watch romantic movies, my eyes fill up with tears. If only my life could have been real like other couples.
I am slowly learning to love myself, but sometimes I smile on the outside but cry so deeply within me.
Picture posed by a model.
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