Among other things, 40-year-old Leigh Van Der Horst describes herself as a ‘motherless mother’. On the one hand she is the devoted mother of four sons (aged 15, 13, 11, and 4) but on the other, she is bereaved, having lost her own mother in 2008.
The dichotomy between the two is often difficult, but it is particularly poignant on Mother’s Day. “It is a reminder of what we don’t have,” she says.
And, with retailers going into overdrive weeks before the day itself it is hard to think about anything else. Despite having children who want to make the day about her, Leigh says that since her mother passed away she hasn’t enjoyed Mother’s Day.
“You become quite numb to it all over time which I guess is sad for those of us who have children and should enjoy it. But it is exhausting enduring an entire day devoted purely to our mothers,” she says.
Leigh wrote her book Without My Mum in order to reach out to other women who had lost their mothers. “I gained so much strength hearing other stories of women in similar circumstances and I felt that the world needed a book about the topic of losing a mother that was comforting, inspiring and supportive,” she explains.
“I opened up about my experience and was very honest about my feelings throughout the book as I knew it would resonate with so many others.”
Leigh was right and the book did resonate with other ‘motherless’ women. In fact the messages from others became so frequent that Leigh decided to start a closed Facebook group in which people could share their stories and offer each other support.
“There are so many parallels [with my story]. I think the hardest thing we suffer is when our own children are missing out on special time with their Nanna and we see it all around us. That and Mother’s Day, both very hard to deal with,” she says.
The Weekly Online asked Leigh why she thinks that mothering without a mother is especially hard. “It’s not for the babysitting or the cooked meals, it’s the love that comes naturally from a mother in a good relationship with her daughter.
“It’s the loss of a great love. I read somewhere that we needed to remember that our mothers are our first true loves and that’s why the impact of their death is so devastating. As a mother myself, I went to my mum so much for advice and she was spot on, every time. I no longer have that guide,” she says.
For women who are missing their own mothers this Mother’s Day, Leigh’s advice is to talk about it. “Find a grief councillor, or a psychologist. Someone that you feel comfortable with and then let it all out. The only way to heal is to acknowledge the pain, allow it to rise, then fall and then move forward,” she says.
Leigh also notes that grief doesn’t have a time limit. “It can go on and on. You do gain strength over time and you do open your heart to love and life again,” she says.
“It is not the end of the world, although it may feel as though it is.”
You can find out more about ‘Without My Mum* here
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