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Recently I wrote something online that many people agreed with…. and plenty didn’t. This isn’t unusual. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from being a writer, it’s that people will disagree and agree, no matter what I write. But this was different, because it was one of those ‘difficult’ topics. You know the ones. Controversial subjects likes abortion and marriage equality and racism and feminism and human rights. Topics that get people angry, no matter what position you hold.
After I wrote it, I had several people contact me privately to tell me how ‘brave’ I was. “I completely agree with you,” they said, “but I was scared to say it.”
I’m not sure that I’m brave for speaking up, at least, not anymore. Courage is being scared of something and doing it anyway, and I no longer fear speaking out.
I used to, however, and I know the chest-tightening anxiety of disagreeing with another’s opinion. It is particularly hard for women to say what we feel, especially in the context of workplaces and relationships. I spent many years pushing down my own opinions, trying to align my belief systems with others’ just to keep the peace.
As a result, I was full of frustration and anger, often directed towards other people, but no doubt deflected from myself.
And really, I’m too old to do that anymore. I don’t want to live in frustration or anger, and I don’t want to align my beliefs to anyone’s other than my own.
Of course, that doesn’t mean that I know how I feel about most things. I am aware that other people know far more about certain topics than me, and I will defer to their greater wisdom.
But when it comes to issues I feel passionately about, I will speak out. And if I am hurt in a relationship, which still happens occasionally, I will say so.
Now, obviously we don’t need to argue over every little thing. Yes, it is possible to disagree with something on the internet, or to listen to another person’s perspective, and move on. There is no obligation to debate every tiny difference of opinion.
And of course it is vital to stay respectful and polite, even if a person’s opinion dements you. A person is not necessarily ‘wrong’ for thinking differently to you, even if they think you are wrong for thinking differently to them.
And yes, sometimes you need to let things slide. You are never going to win that argument about marriage equality with Uncle Bob, who has been holding the same ideas for the past 90 years. For the sake of family harmony, and your own precious sanity, it might be better to let that one go.
But in general, speaking your mind is far less scary than it sounds. People may disagree with you, and some may even get angry, but they may just respect you for speaking up, too.
And ultimately, what matters is the peace of mind that comes with being true to ourselves. Harmony is nice in relationships and online, but it is much more important within ourselves.
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