Yesterday my Dad died.
To say this relationship was complicated would be an understatement and today I sit in complete conflict of sadness that my father is gone, relief that he can no longer cause harm, anger that he didn’t try harder to care for his kids the way Dad’s should and compassion for the difficult life he lived.
Torn completely in two, there is no doubt this conflict is the most challenging negative emotion I’ve sat with in my life.
But here I sit – I have the feeling it could be for a while.
My Dad, Lee John Smith, was an Australian boy from the bush who grew up swimming in creeks, larking about with his mates and being hit by his Dad.
In a family of war heroes, he signed up at the first opportunity and was shipped out to Vietnam at the age of 19.
He was never the same again.
Suffering flashbacks, self-medicating on a cocktail of drugs and alcohol and shamed by a public who saw no heroes in the Vietnam War, he came home and at the ripe age of 21 unexpectedly found himself with a wife and child (yes that would me) to provide for.
Needless to say he was in way over his head – I think we all were.
Unfortunately hurt people, hurt people. It’s why a long for a kinder world.
Three more kids and one more wife along the way and nothing changed.
Despite good intentions the demons that chased him couldn’t be shaken off and almost 43 years later we each still carry very deep scars from his experiences.
But like all of us, he wasn’t all bad. Far from it.
My dad could be funny, kind, wise and loving. And in these moments you wanted to forgive him everything. He was strong and brave and I thank him every day for the persistence and grit that flows from his veins to mine.
He has been my greatest lesson in life and without him I wouldn’t have the opportunity to get up each day and do what I love. Had happiness been easily won in my world, I would never have asked so many questions and searched so far to find ways to cultivate it for myself – even when you find yourself in the most challenging of situations – and teach it to others.
So today I sit in conflict. Mourning a man I loved and relieved now that perhaps the pain that came from loving him may finally find an end.
Vale Lee John Smith
