When Jessie and Jonathan first got together, their sex life was fantastic.
Spontaneity abounded, and their sexual chemistry was strong. This blissful, sexy unity continued for nine years… and then they had kids.
“A lot of stuff happened while we were in the early baby years with our kids who are now three and six. I had multiple miscarriages and got very sick for a year,” tells Jessie.
“Basically we had gone from nine years of excellence, being carefree people, totally besotted with each other, who had loads of fun partying and shagging, to being parents of little people who needed us and we had no time for each other.”
Daily routine began to take its toll on Jessie and Jonathan and before long, a chasm had grown in the bedroom. Now they have sex an average of three times a year.
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“We lost our intimacy through the day-to-day grind of parenting and then we started to lack a sense of togetherness. This big gaping maw of loneliness opened up between us. It was devastating as we still totally love each other.”
While a relationship should not be built on sex alone, sex is a very integral part of relationships. Without the connection and intimacy, it’s easy to feel detached and distant from our partner.
“The lack of intimacy absolutely had affected our relationship but we were both determined to not let it break us apart,” says Jessie. “I don’t think you necessarily need to be having sex daily to have a great relationship but the rawness and vulnerability that sex brings is a healthy way to bring closeness.”
A change in sexual proclivity is very common after children with the 2013 iVillage Married Sex Survey revealing that 52% of women and 49% of men said their sex life was hotter before they had kids.
“It’s really normal, and actually to be expected, that sexual activity will decline after giving birth. It’s not a sign that there is something wrong with your relationship. The length of time it takes couples to re-engage in sexual activity will depend on each couple,” says sex therapist, Isiah McKimmie.
Having a family need not spell the death of your va-va-voom but if an abyss lives in your bedroom, bridging it may not be a simple task. Allowing open discussion about the elephant in the bedroom may be your first step towards recovering your intimacy.
“Communication is really one of the most important aspects of our intimate lives. Being able to understand each other’s perspective and voice our needs and wants is crucial to intimacy and to reigniting our sex lives,” says Isiah.
“Start by talking about it with each other. It’s important to acknowledge that although sex may not interest you, if it is important to your partner, it’s important to the relationship. Make this a priority in your lives, giving it time and attention.”
Sex is not just about the act of naked bodies making silly shapes, sex begins in our minds – the brain is the largest sex organ. Before we can get our kit off and get jiggy, we need to feel safe to be vulnerable.
“It’s important to build your connection outside the bedroom as well as inside the bedroom. Take time to be intimate with each other emotionally also, spend quality time together, go on dates, be generous towards each other. Take things slowly as you start to rebuild your sex lives – be gentle and be generous with each other,” suggests Isiah.
Sometimes, the longer we go without sex, the harder it is to feel inspired. If it has been a long time between roll-arounds is just biting the bullet and “doing it” the best way to get in the mood? Maybe, says Isiah.
“We need to start rethinking some of our ideas about sex and how it happens. In long term relationships, women need to realise that the feeling of being ‘turned on’ rarely ‘just happens’ the way it does when we first got together with someone, due to physical, emotional and hormonal changes that happen for us, but we don’t need to wait until we’re feeling ‘turned on’ to engage intimately with our partner.
“Having sex you don’t enjoy is rarely helpful, but choosing to engage in sex, without being turned on, because you want to be close to your partner or you know you’ll probably feel turned on once you start is a wonderful way to build intimacy in your relationship.”
Seeking relationship therapy is a great start to honouring your connection however making your relationship strong will not necessarily bring back your mojo. Your mojo muscles require a little training too believes relationship counsellor from Clinton Power and Associates, Clinton Power.
“There is a common myth that by working on your relationship, your sex life should naturally improve. But your erotic connection and your relationship issues, while related, are actually considered to be on separate tracks,” he says.
“Improving your relationship issues will not necessarily lead to an increase in sexual activity. This is why it’s really important to dedicate time to working on your erotic connection with your partner.”
In our busy lives we may not feel like we have the time to dedicate to mojo flexing, so as unsexy as it may feel perhaps it’s time to schedule a sexy timeslot.
“A lot of people turn their nose up at the suggestion of scheduling time for sex. You might say, “it’s not spontaneous, it’s not sexy and it makes sex too predictable,” says Clinton.
“But it doesn’t matter how are you initiate sex, once you’re underway and feeling aroused, your body will respond no differently than if you had thrown each other on the kitchen floor in a spontaneous sexual impulse which, of course, rarely happens.
Sex is not only good for you physically and can significantly reduce your stress, but it’s an important dimension of your relationship that defines you and your partner in a way that no other relationship is defined.
If you’ve struggled by yourselves and the chasm is widening, seeking advice from a professional who specialises in relationships may help you build the bridge.
“If you find talking about your sexual issues and attempts to problem solve are not leading to any change, consider seeking professional help. A professional relationship counsellor or sex therapist can support you getting to the root cause of what’s going on so you can overcome your blocks to sexual intimacy,” says Clinton.
