Scientist Admits To Dolphin Sex

A jar of pasta sauce In 2008, a Newcastle man was caught near (the aptly named) Nobbys Beach with his penis in a jar of pasta sauce. The incident led to a 20kmh car chase with the police. The cops thought the 46-year-old was armed, but in the end they just found him partially clothed with his genitals in a jar. He was fined $600 for offensive behaviour.

A park bench Police and medical personnel were called to a Hong Kong park in 2008 when a 41-year-old put his penis through a hole in a bench – and got stuck. The man justified his actions by telling police that he thought it would be fun to have sex with the bench. Fair enough. But when officers and doctors arrived at the scene they couldn’t release him, so were forced to cut the bench from the ground and take it to a city hospital – with him attached. It took doctors four hours to cut him free. So not so fun, in the end.

The Berlin Wall Erika Eiffel, the founder of the Objectum Sexual International Forum, has a romantic relationship with the Berlin Wall. “What attracts me to the Berlin Wall is that here’s an object that has been created to do a purpose that everyone detests,” she told the National Geographic channel. Interestingly, the couple appear to have an open relationship, as she’s also married to the Eiffel Tower.

A bike In July last year, just a few weeks after the death of a Swedish man who the nation boasted yet another sexual nut job when a man was caught on camera having sex with a bike. Precisely how this is anatomically possible, we’re not sure, as there are no holes in a bicycle aside from the spokes.

A Couch It’s just like The Notebook, except Ryan Gosling is an ex-con and Rachel McAdams. In June last year an off-duty police officer noticed a man acting oddly with an abandoned sofa. He stated that he was “trying to sexually gratify himself by rubbing his penis between the two cushions.” After pleading guilty 47-year-old Gerard Streator was sentenced to five months in jail and barred from owning any pornography of any kind. Wonder if that includes furniture?

A drinks cart A UK man was arrested for attempting to have sex with a drinks cart on a train to Glasgow while steaming drunk. Apparently he was humping the trolley while screaming, “I want to kiss you. I want to you.” Which, to be fair, is probably the best way to seduce a bar cart. The man admitted to the offence and was sentenced to 100 hours of community service. He was also initially placed on the sex offender registry, but was removed because there’s really no precedent for someone molesting a drink cart.

A Land Rover A man who amazingly goes by the nickname “Hotcock” was caught on security camera during a boys’ night out with his pants around his ankles, humping away at an innocent Land Rover. The car-lover (real name Daniel Cooper) was charged with a small fine and a community order that banned him from going out on a weekend for three months. PS – he was a father of three. ICK.

A lilo A man named Edwin Charles Tobergta turned out to be nowhere near as posh as his name suggests, when he was arrested for having “sexual relations” with an inflatable pool raft in July last year. According to the police report (reprinted by Gawker) Tobergta had “stepped out of his house at 1:20 p.m, completely naked, and went straight to the raft,” without even buying it so much as a drink first. Rude. On so many levels.

A picnic table If you’re wondering how this one worked, it was one of those tables with a hole in the middle to hold an umbrella. Run wild, imagination. When the bench-boner was caught after being videotaped by a neighbour, police Capt. Matt Johnson told a TV station that, “the first video we had, he was completely nude.” As if the image wasn’t disturbing enough already…

Pizza Don’t you just love Reddit? One user by the name of ‘casualiama’ used the online platform to confess that he got it on with some uncooked pizza dough. “In short, it was one of the best things in my life,” he admitted.

A lamp-post In 2008, a 32-year-old man was arrested in the UK for simulating sex with a lamp-post. Police arrived at the scene and arrested him on suspicion of outraging public decency. So next time you see a particularly sexy looking lamp-post, do yourself a favour and try to resist.

Road kill In 2006, a 20-year-old from Wisconsin was accused of having sex with the carcass of a deer that he found lying beside the road, which in turn raised a real philosophical debate. His lawyer denied that he committed bestiality on the grounds that a dead deer wasn’t an animal any more. Or is it…?

Ambulance Last year, a 25-year old was seen “pressing” himself against an ambulance and “simulating a sex act” on the bonnet. Official police logs show an officer who saw him stated “It looks as though he is attempting to make love to the front of the ambulance.” Apparently he was drunk, had taken cannabis and was first spotted setting fire to a packet of peanuts. Just a quiet night out then…

A stereo system A 43-year-old British member of the OS (objectum sexual) community who suffers from Asperger’s (sufferers of which often have difficulty forming relationships with people) formed a relationship with a stereo system, which she named Jake. Jake, she says, is “solid, reliable and beautiful”. She also repairs “him” when he goes wrong, and “makes love” to him on average twice a day.

The pavement In 2007 a Scottish teenager was put on probation for 12 months for simulating sex with a pavement. The prosecutor said that eye-witnesses “saw the accused lying on his back on the pavement jerking around,” and that “as they drove past they could see his trousers were down at his knees. When the woman looked back he had turned onto his front and was in the press-up position on the pavement simulating sexual intercourse.”

A street sign After this guy was caught, police found two years’ worth of video footage of him getting on with road signs. 60 year old Sioux Falls from South Dakota was held on a $10,000 bond and charged with burglary, indecent exposure and unlawful occupancy. He was arrested after being chased out of a neighbour’s yard with his video camera. The footage recovered shows him masturbating and engaging in sex acts with various traffic signs. Even when they told him to stop. (Sorry.)

A hot pocket One Twitter user molested a hot pastry snack in return for retweets. “420 retweets and a hot pocket on vine after i heat it up,” he posted. Of course, this being the internet, people were gagging to see such idiocy. And after hitting his retweet goal the man in question posted a vine of himself getting weird with the combination of meat, bread and cheese. Well done, internet.

A laundry basket In a 2011 episode of American TV show In The Bedroom With Dr. Laura, sexually dissatisfied wife Becky opened up about her unusual self-pleasuring technique. She likes get frisky with the corner of her laundry basket. As the episode unfolded we learned that she’s been masturbating this way since college and her dependence has gotten so out of control that she prefers grinding the basket to her husband. That’s one way to make laundry less boring.