Zoe Foster is a dating columnist and thinks she is an authority on relationships because she is always scripting text messages to guys for friends! She’s just written a book, Textbook Romance, on dating, which is witty, direct (with chapters like “Men don’t skip footy training for you”) and scarily accurate. Julie Hamilton gets her hot tips on scoring a top man.
Are you in relationship at the moment?
I’m a super-single girl right now. I was in a very long relationship — we were together for nine years and we broke up in January.
How is it being back out there?
There is a sick part of me that loves the drama and theatre of dating and currently I am dating but I don’t want a relationship, I enjoy being single. It’s great fodder for my articles!
Why did you write your book?
There are a lot of women out there who I have wanted to say “You need to read my book”. But basically it’s so I could instruct women how to be more in control of, more at peace with, and more successful in their romantic relationships.
Okay, difficult question. Are there really 10 outstanding women to every amazing man at the moment?
[Laughing] It’s really tricky. There is such a small pool of quality men. It’s tiny. Women have high standards and we are so independent that we can brush men off when we need to give them a break and be more open-minded.
I mean, don’t break up because they text phonetically! Women can also be hard work. We can send out mixed signals. If you are putting it out that you are a free spirit and being all superfoxy Beyoncé-style woman and are about to go travelling for a year — the guy will probably turn off.
So what’s your number-one hint about finding love?
Stop looking for it. I don’t think that works. It’s like the “watching water boiling” thing.
So you don’t agree with the notion of “setting your intention and visualising what you want” school of manifesting in relationships?
I do agree. You have to know what you want but then let go. Stop obsessing about it and they will arrive when you are having a great time with your life. I do have a spiritual, affirmation side — you have to “ask, believe, receive”. If you constantly think about not having a partner or men are all douche bags — that is what you will attract.
What’s the biggest mistake women make early in dating?
Investing too much, too quickly. Watching your phone for days at a time that’s when women flip and think he’s “just not that into me”. Keep your yoga class, go to the markets, don’t immediately run into the man cave or become a cyber-stalker.
He’s just a man and he’s got your number, so what? Remember: If he doesn’t text he doesn’t exist. And never, ever, ever, drink and text. You know what we’re talking about.
You talk a lot about letting men chase you and keeping up with making an effort — isn’t that a bit too last century? A bit “don’t move in ’til you get the ring”?
It’s not about being old-fashioned or anti-feminist, it’s a more delicate space to allow yourself to be courted and chased. Men need to chase. If they don’t chase they’re not interested — it’s their essential nature to do this.
And also women need to beware not to switch a little too easily into the comfort zone. It’s the “takeaway Thai and tracksuit pants” curse where you get out of romance and into the domestic.
So what warning signs are there that the guy who you are dating is a dud?
If you start making excuses for them, you should be on alert. Especially if you are defending him to friends and family who love you best. I call this becoming and “Excusinator”. Next, it takes 23 seconds to send a text. If he can’t find the time to do that, then that’s just disrespectful.
Finally, if he wants to see you all the time, swears undying love to you and is planning your marriage after the first date, beware. I call them the “Self Startlers”. Men who come on so strong, so fast, they scare themselves off. They are in love with love and usually run a mile when you decide you like them. If they seem too good to be true, they probably are.
Textbook Romance is published by Penguin.
Interview by Julie Hamilton. Read more of Julie on her website Omigoddess.
