The app, called 36 Question On The Way To Love, has been developed in response to the massive success of an article in The New York Times two weeks ago, titled ‘To Fall In Love With Anyone, Do This.’
The original article, by Mandy Len Catron, described an experiment, first conducted by psychologist Arthur Aron more than 20 years ago, that explores whether emotionally intimacy between two people ‘can be accelerated.’
In the experiment, couples that had just started dating were asked to sit opposite each other and quietly ask each other a list of 36 questions over a period of 50 minutes.
The questions are things like: Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? And: Would you like to be famous? In what way?
The experiment has been compared to the process of slowly boiling a frog, with the questions become more intimate as time goes on, such as: ‘How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?’
After the questions were done, the couples were asked to stare into each other’s eyes for four straight minutes, and, less than six months later, one couple got married. They invited all the researchers from the lab to the ceremony.
The author of the Times article decided to apply the experiment to her own life, with a man she’d known for a short time, and she, too, fell in love.
In a follow-up letter to readers published on Valentine’s Day, the Times said ‘readers found the combination of romance and science irresistible.’
‘Ms. Catron’s story went viral, with couples across the country and around the globe trying the questions themselves,’ the Times said.
Naturally, businesses have sprung up, with singles now being invited to events where they can pay $40 each to be guided through the questions and the process.
The Times has itself developed an app to enable couples to play at home, but warns that the experiment that can’t be easily repeated ‘with a series of romantic prospects, because you risk having canned answers if you keep using the same questions.’
If you’re married and feeling left out, letters to the Times suggest that married couples can benefit from the experiment too.
One reader, Amy Williams said:
‘Over the course of two nights with my husband, we answered the questions together over cocktails at our favorite restaurants.
‘This is my second marriage and his first; we met when we were 41 and 39. I have to admit that sometimes, talking about work and the kids can get boring, and answering the questions brought us closer together. It reminded me of when we first met .. it was intimate and a good reminder to reconsider that your partner is not just someone to empty the dishwasher with.’
The trick to the questions is the way they force people to open up a little, and reveal their vulnerabilities.
If you don’t want the App, here are the questions. (Couples who want to try this at home should set aside at least an hour. The questions should be answered in turn. If you’re not interesting in falling in love but don’t mind having a laugh, a spoof of the questions follows the actual questions.)
1 Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2 Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3 Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4 What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5 When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6 If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7 Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8 Name three things you and your partner appear to have in
9 For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10 If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11 Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12 If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
13 If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14 Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15 What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16 What do you value most in a friendship?
17 What is your most treasured memory?
18 What is your most terrible memory?
19 If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20 What does friendship mean to you?
21 What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22 Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23 How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24 How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
25 Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “
26 Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “
27 If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28 Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29 Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30 When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31 Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32 What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33 If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34 Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35 Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36 Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
If, on the other hand, you’renotlooking to fall in love, here’s part of a spoof from The New Yorker, designed around ‘thirty-six questions no one in a relationship should actually ask’:
1 Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you like to punch in the face?
2 On average, how long do you spend composing tweets before you post them? Do you realize that they don’t matter?
3 Before responding to a text, do you wait a few minutes to make it seem like you’re doing something more important? Why? Answer me now.
4 What would constitute a “perfect” day for you? Why do we always just go home and watch Netflix instead of doing any of that stuff?
5 What’s your favorite song? No, it’s not. I’ve never once heard you listen to that song.
6 Honestly, which one of us would you rather have die first?
