Least romantic anti-Valentine’s Day films of all time

Blue Valentine: Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams pulverise your heart in this quiet, devastating portrayal of the beginning and the end of a marriage. Single people may never want to date again, coupled up people – draw each other near and be kind.

Revolutionary Road: Ditto Revolutionary Road. Based on the 1961 novel by Richard Yates, Kate Winslet and Leonardo diCaprio will ruin all of your love dreams in their portrayal of a 1950s beautiful young couple who live a nice, quiet, hellish suburban life and their future would be better and brighter and it never was. It’s spirit crushing fare. Nice outfits though.

Titanic: Kate and Leo really have a lot to answer when it comes to soul crushing movies about doomed love. Jack and Rose’ romance that crossed class divides on board the ill-fated Titanic ship broke our hearts when Jack froze to death in the Atlantic. Two things: why didn’t Rose share her floating deck chair with Jack? And at least we’ll always have that amazing steamy car scene. The hand on the window!

(500) Days Of Summer: When you think you’ve met The One and they don’t agree with you? This film is heart break in delightful, twee form. Which numbs the pain a little, maybe?

Kramer vs Kramer: Nothing like an epic divorce drama to make you feel good about your Lean Cuisine for one.

He’s Just Not That Into You: The tough love dating advice that rather implausibly became a movie. And what with all the cheating, bad dating etiquette and the fact that Jennifer Aniston settles for a man that’s simply not good enough for her, it made spurning the dating scene look very attractive indeed.

Like Crazy: Is there anything as life altering as your first love? But what about when you’re separated and tested and then finally reunited but maybe your first love isn’t meant to be your only one? This quiet film starring the lovely Felicity Jones will break your heart and make you glad that you’re no longer 21 and suffering for love.

The Break-Up: Breaking up is the worst! The antidote to romance is definitely watching Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn unravel their relationship.

Magic Mike: Who needs a dozen red roses and a date when you have Channing Tatum’s abs/dance moves? The oiled up catharsis of Magic Mike is a balm for any romance ravaged heart.

Rosemary’s Baby: Or you could just watch a film about a woman giving birth to the devil just to neuter any remaining longing feelings about love and romance.