This is one of those ‘am I normal’ type questions that I’m always asked. The answer to the question ‘How often is normal?’ is simply: Whatever is right for you.
The question you should be asking is: How often is right for us?
If neither of you want to ever have sex, that’s fine, because that’s right for you. If you both want to have sex twice a day, terrific! That’s what’s right for you.
Clearly most people are somewhere between those two extremes.
I get some clients who come to see me claiming they’re having too much sex – or at least, the lower desire partner is claiming that their partner wants more than is ‘normal’.
More often though, clients assume they should be having more sex than they are having. They just take it as a given that everyone else is having lots of sex and so they should too. How much sex this ‘ideal’ amount is, is usually pretty vague, and they expect me to tell them.
I’ve noticed that a lot of women assume their partners want sex every day. This is generally because he’d like it more often than they’re having it, or more likely, he’d like better quality than they’re having. But that doesn’t mean every day. I’ve seen so many surprised women hear their partners say just once a week, maybe twice, would be great – especially as she often says the same thing!
A female client once told me that her husband wished she’d want sex every day like I do – except that I don’t! They’d assumed that because I specialize in sex that I must have sex daily, because that’s what they thought was the ‘ideal’ amount of sex.
I burst out laughing and then explained that I’m a quality rather than quantity kind of a gal. They were both quite puzzled initially until they ditched this myth. Then we could actually get real and work around what each of them actually wanted, not what they thought they should want.
Even if you would like sex more frequently, there are the realities of life. Hey, I’d like to go to a yoga class every day, but I can’t do that either. If I’m away on holidays, sure – daily yoga and daily sex! Bring it on! But back in the real world, nope.
So have an honest chat with each other about how often you’d really like to have sex, and more importantly what quality of sex you’d like to have. You’ll generally find that the better the quality, the less the higher desire partner will crave it and give the impression that he or she wants it all the time. The more open you are, the easier it is to find the balance that works just for you.
Jacqueline Hellyer is a Sex Therapist and Educator. This story originally appeared on LoveLife.
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