Picture this… You’re at a bar with your partner. You have some great chats with another man. As you leave, your partner makes cutting comments about your “flirting”. You feel attacked and make nasty comments back. When you get home, doors are slammed and there’s tension in the air for the next 24 hours.
There’s another way to play out a conflict situation, says relationship counsellor John Douglas, one which will bring a couple closer.
Let’s replay the bar scenario. Resisting any urge to bite back after your partner makes his comments, you might say, “It seems like you’re angry. What else is under this anger? What are you really upset about?” If prompted in a loving way, he might feel safe to express what’s really going on for him. Underneath anger, there’s always an emotion that’s much softer, more vulnerable.
Imagine your partner admits, “I was afraid you’d be attracted to that guy. I’m feeling really insecure in our relationship at the moment.” Suddenly there’s a good chance you’ll feel compassion for him. He’ll feel understood, which will help him move past those feelings of jealousy. And you’ll feel like you’ve been given a window into his intimate feelings. You might even have the chance to find out about other situations in his past that have made him feel insecure. This brings you closer.
“The whole vibe changes,” John says. “It’s no longer confrontational.”
Related stories
Native ad body.
Native ad body.
Native ad body.
