When Aussie cricket star Mitchell Johnson’s mother recently made ‘unkind’ comments about his fiancee, thousands of other young men probably groaned in embarrassed compassion for the guy!
Having a mum who speaks out of turn; a permanently needy sister or maybe in-laws who won’t butt-out, is all part of being in a family. And an expert reassures us it’s all quite normal.
“It’s important to understand that in all relationships – especially families – we spend more time disagreeing than agreeing,” says Anne Hollonds, a psychologist and CEO of Relationships Australia (NSW).
“So you need to be able to expect and accept disagreements; and learn to manage them as best as possible.”
Here Anne answers some very typical questions about how to manage difficult family members.
Q: I love my mother to bits, but she is constantly meddling in my marriage… and I know my wife’s at her wits end. How can I keep them both happy.
A:
“Tell your mum you love her, that she’s important to you and she’ll always be your mum, no matter what. But some things need to change in your relationship now that you’re married. It’s best if men sort out their relationship with their own mother, and allow time for their new partner to develop a positive relationship with her as well. Consider suggesting new ways of staying connected with your mum that accommodate the needs of your new relationship.”
Q: My parents live locally and my father phones me nearly every day with something that ‘needs’ to be done for him. I have my own family and am very busy at work too. I’d love him to leave me alone a little, but I don’t want to offend him either. What can I do?
A:
“Once again, start by being positive and saying something like: ‘I love you dad and want to support you. But I have responsibilities to my own family now …..’. Then let him know what you can offer – maybe every second weekend you could pop around to help. So make a positive offer, but you do need to draw some boundary lines.”
Q: I have two beautiful girls, now aged four and six. We always thought they were close, only recently they’ve been fighting – physically and verbally. We are shocked by their behaviour and have tried everything we can think of to help (separating them; negotiating), but nothing is working. Help!
A:
“To some extent try to let them sort out their own squabbles. It’s normal for siblings to disagree, and you jumping in too soon won’t help them to learn how to resolve their own disagreements constructively.
“But reinforce to the kids the ground rules for their behaviour – that they must not kick or hit or bite, and that the way to resolve disagreements is to discuss them. “They’re at an age where they will understand, though you’ll need to intervene if it really gets out of hand. They will eventually learn – and of course make lots of positive comments and reward them when they do sort things out well themselves.”
Q: My sister has always been jealous of me – though we’ve had pretty similar upbringings, so I have no idea why. But now I’m in love with a wonderful man; and her jealousy has become more ‘angry’ than ever. She is completely rude to him and has almost frozen me out completely. Do I just ignore her and hope it will settle down in time?
A:
“The same ‘rule’ applies, about saying something positive first, like: ‘You are my sister and I love you, but I find it very difficult when you treat my partner this way. I’d ask you to stop’. You can do this verbally, or even via a letter. If you can, try to ignore her negative behaviour, and focus on positives. If necessary, spend less time around her until things improve.”
Related stories
Native ad body.
Native ad body.
Native ad body.
