Dear Danielle,
Our neighbours have two boys as we do. They have an older pairing than ours (11 and seven versus six and three).
Our eldest loves hanging out at their house. They have cool, more grown-up stuff, they get to stay up later and watch more movies. Generally I think we are very much on the same page regarding parenting, and we’re all reasonably relaxed.
I definitely want to encourage the family friendship, we all get on really well and they throw the best parties.
However, their boys play Minecraft – a lot. And now their two friends, who are six and seven years old, seem to spend most of their time there not on the trampoline or riding their scooters up and down the street but playing this game.
So tell me Danielle how do I manage this?!
From Friendly Neighbour
Hi Friendly Neighbour,
I feel your pain. I would want to stay on the good side of the neighbours who throw cracking parties too!
The issue with what’s going on at their house is exactly that – it’s going on at their house. If you want your kids to go over there and play, you don’t really get a say in what they’re doing unless it’s detrimental to their wellbeing.
If that parent is ok with six kids in her house playing video games, it’s a little bit tricky to suggest otherwise.
One way you could tackle it is by inviting them all over to your house and setting up a really simple but fun obstacle course in the garden. You don’t need equipment, just a guideline that you jump over X, at the stick, you do a commando roll, run around the tree, and then crawl on your tummy to the gate, etc.
Or you could do a simple treasure hunt with a cheap, crappy prize that kids seem to love so much.
You need to make it so fun that they want to play outdoors and not computer games… The draw-back of this plan is then you have six kids in your garden instead of at your neighbour’s house.
Alternatively you could broach it very gently with your neighbour but if they take umbrage and you lose your party invite, don’t blame me.
Good luck!
Dear Danielle,
I have a friend who is always unhappy with her life. She’s a smart and funny girl who I enjoy spending time with but she is never happy with her life.
At first I began trying to help her. When her marriage was bad I tried to help her decide what to do, even offering her a place to stay.
When she hated her job, I tried to help her find a new one, but I’m starting to realise that she really doesn’t want to do anything to change her situation. She never tries to help herself. When I spend time with her, I feel like she’s draining me.
She would swear she’s a happy-go-lucky girl who just doesn’t get a break but I’m starting to judge her for her enjoyment of her misery.
What should I do about this friendship?
From, Happy-Go-Lucky
Hi Happy-Go-Lucky,
You know the old saying “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink”? You need to just let her do her thing.
Some people truly love misery because when people give them sympathy, it makes them feel special. Others just like to wallow in how unfair life is.
The thing about friends like this is they suck the life of you. Our lives are all so busy and full that we need to surround ourselves with people that replenish our energy – I like to call it filling my love cup.
If someone only drinks from my love cup, I walk away depleted, but if someone fills my love cup I walk away joyous. You need to decide if the level in your love cup is adequate enough to continue this friendship.
It sounds to me like your love cup is getting low in this friendship.
Maybe spend less time with her, or just accept that she is happy with her miserable life and you focus on your life and keeping only positive things in it.
Take care.
Danielle is not a qualified counsellor and all advice is opinion-based only, to be followed at the responsibility of the recipient.
Do you have a dilemma or conundrum you would like to ask Danielle?
Drop her a line at [email protected] and she will endeavour to help you sort your life out.
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