Dear Danielle,
I have been married for 15 years in a fairly happy relationship. We have three kids and a mortgage and we have just been doing the daily grind for a while, but we are good friends and companions.
I recently took up exercise with a personal trainer and I’ve begun to have feelings for her. I’m attracted to her both physically and emotionally and it’s very confusing for me. I’ve never really been attracted to a woman before. I’m finding the pull towards her is very strong and thoughts of her are consuming me.
I don’t know if this is a sexuality thing that I have to explore or if I’m looking for something lacking in my marriage.
What do you think I should do?
From, Confused
Dear Confused,
Human sexuality is a tricky beast, and sometimes we can be attracted to people that confuse us. It is entirely possible that you have a latent interest in the same sex that is only just rearing its head, and that can be confusing, especially if you’re not in a position where exploring it without hurting anyone else is an option.
It’s also possible that it is just something about this person that is attractive to you. Sexuality and attraction are not black and white.
Is it possible there something lacking in your marriage that you’re seeking in this woman?
As hard as it may be I think rather than going ahead and exploring your sexuality, you need to discuss it with your husband. An exploration without any discussion would likely be seen as an infidelity and may spell the end of your marriage.
Being married doesn’t prevent us from being attracted to other people, but what we do with those feelings can shape the rest of our lives.
Honest communication is your safest option to keep your integrity in tact. Then, whatever happens, you know you did your best to be honest to yourself and the people you love.
No one can ask more than that.
Dear Danielle,
Early last year my sister sent me a scathing email listing all of my “faults” and absolutely gutted me in the process. She accused me of being a manipulative control freak (I prefer organised!) and all kinds of things.
I truly have never been so low in my life.
Not only did she send it to me but to our estranged father (who I don’t speak to due to his angry and violent behaviour) and my other two sisters. She started the email by stating she is proud of me and loves me and thinks I am a fantastic mum to my three kids (but apparently a sociopath too.)
She is incredibly jealous and always has been. I am happily married, three kids, studying at Uni to become a nurse/midwife and have loads of friends. None of whom would be around me if they all thought like her, I’m sure.
My question is, would you try to reconnect? I truly don’t think I want to, because I am not up for any more abuse and she hasn’t apologised.
She has made contact by sending my kids birthday and Christmas money but with little side notes such as “make sure Mum gives you the money I have deposited in her account. Make sure you spend this on YOU and what you want not what Mum tells you to.”
My sisters and friends think I should just “get over it” and thrash it out. I just think life is too damn short!
From, Peeved
Dear Peeved,
There’s a really annoying theory about when someone sees bad in you it’s because they recognise it in themselves. The theory is annoying when someone uses it against me to point out my flaws, but in this instance, I think it may ring true. It is highly probable that your sister is the jerk and not you at all.
I agree that OCD people are mildly annoying, but as a fellow control freak so I can see that being organized is actually how many people cope with this crazy messed up life. Humans are all beautiful and interesting with wacky little quirks and we need to try to get along or at least pretend to be nice to our family.
Also, who lets kids choose their own presents? They’d only buy useless stuff when they could be buying books and pyjamas.
The fact that your sister didn’t send the email discreetly suggests she’s trying to manipulate others into her way of thinking, so I’d say your theory that she is jealous is bang on the money.
You need to get on with your beautiful, happy life, with your family and friends who love you and do your best to ignore the hurtful things she says.
You will no doubt reconnect at some stage, because you’re family and there will be an event where you drink too much wine and end up hugging, but I don’t think you need to have her over for cake any time soon, because you are a very busy lady and life is indeed too damned short for her drama.
Alternatively, tell her gently that you appreciate her trying to make you a better person, but you’re very happy with who you are and you would appreciate if she never gave you personality advice, no matter how well meaning, again.
Choose peace.
Danielle is not a qualified counsellor and all advice is opinion based only, to be followed at the responsibility of the recipient.
Do you have a dilemma or conundrum you would like to ask Danielle?
Drop her a line at [email protected] and she will endeavour to help you sort your life out.
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