Dear Danielle,
I have more than a conundrum. My husband and the father of our child walked out a week and a half ago without warning, citing he needed time out to work out what he wanted.
No discussion to try and fix our relationship or talk through issues.
My five-year-old son and I are left reeling and without a plan or strategy in place to work through.
My son is feeling abandoned and angry and crying and I am left to look after him whilst I am both heartbroken and blindsided.
He then advised a week later he is not coming back, and is happier alone and does not see a future together. I can’t believe he has abandoned us.
From, Devastated
Dear Devastated,
I’m so sorry to hear about this as I can only imagine how shocked, hurt and frightened you feel. When you are blindsided like this it is very difficult to look at the picture in bite sized chunks, and the whole view is overwhelming.
Although I don’t know what your relationship was like prior to this, I will take a punt that communication has been an issue.
Although there are often warning signs that things are not going well in relationships sometimes it becomes the elephant in the room. We often ignore the elephant and continue on in hope that they go away on their own.
I don’t know if your marriage will ever work again, but whatever you do from this point it will require good, clear communication, if not to save your relationship, at least to work out how to separate humanely, and help you and your child transition into the next phase of life with as small amount of trauma and anguish as possible.
I suggest counselling, as often having a mediator in the room allows people to feel more safe and comfortable talking when matters of high emotion are being discussed.
Having been through a marriage break-up I will say to you that no matter what happens now, you will be ok. It may not feel like it, but you will.
Take care.
Dear Danielle,
My five-year-old is one for stating the obvious loudly in public, this has now taken the form of commenting on the color of people’s skin and any other physical difference to himself.
He has a friend who is South African and he would say to me “my brown friend”. I chatted to the little boy’s mum and we had a laugh at his innocence and I tried in a not too strong of a way to correct him.
At Christmas time, we were shopping and he says “Oh mummy, what a cute baby, did you see it? The light one, the same color as us.”
Five minutes later I’m in a shop talking to the assistant and he comes scampering from the front of the store and says “Mummy, I just saw a short lady,.” I knew who he was talking about as there is a family of dwarfs that live locally so I said, “That’s ok buddy, you know everyone is different, your brother has blonde hair, you have brown hair etc.”
It didn’t move him off target, “But mummy it was a lady and she was reeaaally short” so I did the worst possible thing as he stood there looking for an explanation and the assistant was dead silent I said “Maybe she didn’t eat her veggie when she was little.”
As those words of my grandmother came echoing out of my mouth I regretted every syllable, but he did ask for extra veggies at dinner.
How do parents get this message through? Unfortunately there wasn’t a lot of ethnic diversity at his kinder.
From, Cringing Mum
Dear Cringing Mum,
It’s a kid’s job to embarrass his parents at every opportunity. From dropping the “F bomb” in the doctor’s surgery, to pointing out the obvious, it’s part of the deal when you bring them squalling into this world. I did it to my mum, and my kids do it to me.
The circle of embarrassed parenting life.
That said, it can be pretty cringe worthy when they point out something at high volume that may be deemed as unPC or awkward.
The thing is we are all different. Tall, short, fat, thin, brown and all the other magnificent shades of human, and as kids are exploring and understanding the world it’s only natural that they notice, question and reference this.
Lead by example and be aware of the language you use around appearance or race, and continue to gently remind your child that the world is made up of all kinds of people and that’s what makes us all unique and special in our own ways.
Reminding them that we are all the same on the inside regardless of how we look is important, and speaking honestly about the differences is key. No more of Grandma’s white lies.
Actively seeking out multiculturalism by going to parks in different suburbs or looking at books and television that embraces every race and culture may help ensure you grow a beautifully well-rounded and well-adjusted adult in the long run and everybody wins.
Good luck!
Danielle is not a qualified counsellor and all advice is opinion based only, to be followed at the responsibility of the recipient.
Do you have a dilemma or conundrum you would like to ask Danielle?
Drop her a line at [email protected] and she will endeavour to help you sort your life out.
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