American comedian Steve Harvey’s dating guide Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man has become an overnight sensation in the US. But can his advice help Australia women find love? Fiona Tuite finds out.
Should I call him? Do you think he likes me? Could he be the one?
The road to true love is hardly ever smooth and can seem damn near impossible after divorce or a bad break-up.
With so much anxiety surrounding the search for romance, it’s not surprising we’re increasingly looking for help where we didn’t dare seek it before — in the pages of self-help books.
American comedian Steve Harvey shot to the top of the New York Times bestsellers list with his relationships manual, Act like a Lady, Think like a Man.
The tome proved so popular it was recently adapted into a movie — titled Think Like a Man — that has been a surprise smash hit in the US.
Harvey says he wrote the book with his children in mind. He appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show and was praised for the straight-forward advice he offered women who were making so many mistakes when it came to finding love.
But can his wisdom be applied in Australia? Local dating and relationship expert Katia Loisel-Furey says it can; as long as you remember that Aussie men tend to be more relaxed about the ‘dating’ concept.
A prime example: Harvey suggests asking men about their goals, what their relationship views are, and what they think about you, but Loisel-Furey believes this could be too much for our Aussie men.
“Hitting him with a list of twenty questions on the first date can be a major turn off and is likely to send him running a mile,” she says.
“It’s a first date, not the Spanish inquisition so relax, have fun, and let the sparks fly and if the date’s a dud, put it down to practice.”
One thing Loisel-Furey and Harvey emphatically agree upon is that if a man wants to be in a relationship with you, he will make a concrete plan to physically see you.
“It’s simple, if a guy is attracted to you or wants a relationship with you, wild horses couldn’t keep him away,” Harvey says.
“So if he’s too busy to see you, and his only contact with you is via text or email, you’re just a bit of fun and he doesn’t see you as long term potential.”
Loisel-Furey also warns against spending too much time chatting online or via texts, saying it can ruin the chances of relationship success before you’ve even met in person.
Loisel-Furey says, “In our digital world of text messaging, chat and email, it’s all too easy to fantasise about what you think, or hope, your date will be like, and get emotionally attached or jump into premature intimacy with someone you’ve never met.
“You will be bitterly disappointed when the real life version doesn’t quite stack up. The longer you ‘chat’ online or by text without meeting up, the more likely it is that your imagination will create someone who simply can’t exist.
“Nothing compares to face-to-face contact for connecting with someone and judging whether there’s any chemistry.”
Both Harvey and Loisel-Furey also agree on the importance of being genuine.
“Don’t settle,” Loisel-Furey says. “Nothing screams I need a man, and any man will do, like a woman who settles for second best.
“If he doesn’t call when he says he will, only wants to see you when he’s got nothing better on offer, doesn’t include you in his life, and isn’t interested in yours, move on. You deserve better.”
Loisel-Furey’s tips for dating are:
Don’t play too hard to get.
Letting him chase you is one thing, but a lot of women play so hard to get that they scare guys away. In reality, most men would rather do twenty rounds in a boxing ring than risk being rejected. Do a mental checklist of your body language and ask yourself, “Would I approach me?” If the answer is no, change it. For an instant confidence boost, uncross your arms and legs, pull your shoulders back, breathe, make eye contact and smile.
Know what you want but don’t come on too strong.You shouldn’t settle for a guy who’s not right for you, or isn’t in to you. You need to have standards and know what you’re looking for in a man and a relationship, but you don’t need to lay it all out on the table during the first date.
Relax and have fun.
You are dating, not going for a job interview. It’s perfectly natural to feel nervous around someone you like, but don’t let your nerves stop you from finding love.
You can’t change a man… and you shouldn’t change yourself.
Take off your rose-coloured glasses and see your date for what they are, not what you’d like them to be. Don’t try to change a man to make it work and don’t change the way you behave either. Bending over backwards isn’t a recipe for a successful relationship.
Above all, just remember that everyone — no matter how old, thin, confident or attractive — is just as nervous as you are.
“The truth is that whether you’re a guy or a girl, dating is daunting and what we all want, and fear, is not finding the same thing — love,” Loisel-Fureys says.
Your say: What are your own tips for dating in this modern world? Have you made any mistakes that you have learnt from? [email protected]
