This one goes out to the Kourtney Kardashians and Scott Disicks of the world.
Although we can barely keep up, Hollywood reports now claim the mother-of-three is pregnant with her fourth child to Scott Disick, her notoriously unreliable ex.
The couple first began dating in 2006 before a cheating scandal led to their untimely end in 2009, but when Kourtney discovered that she was expecting the couple’s first son Mason, their flame was reignited.
Their on-again, off-again pattern is one the couple have followed rather routinely since, and you can be sure they aren’t the only ones.
Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth, Drake and Rihanna, Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green and even Prince William and Duchess Catherine have all endured a split or two throughout their romances.
And you can be sure science agrees. In fact, a 2012 study from the University of Wisconsin, Milwaukee and Bowling Green State University found that 44 per cent of people aged 17-24 have rekindled with an ex at least once.
Woman’s Day sat down with sex therapist and relationship counsellor, Désirée Spierings, to find out exactly what it is that brings a couple back together, even when things didn’t exactly work out the first time around.
“I think at the time I wasn’t very happy about it, but actually it made me a stronger person, you find out things about yourself that maybe you hadn’t realised, I think you can get quite consumed by a relationship when you are younger and I really valued that time for me as well although I didn’t think it at the time,” the mother-of-two has since reflected.
1. You’re afraid to be alone
Fear can indeed be a motivator for a person to want to stick around or work through a relationship’s very real issues.
“They might be afraid about how to survive financially alone, how to be a single parent, or just not have that significant other by their side,” Désirée explains.
“It can be very daunting for those who have shared their life with someone for a long time, to then go back to being single.”
2. You’re constantly reminded of them on social media
In the days of Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat, it can be almost impossible to completely cut an ex from your life.
But Désirée explains how following or “stalking” a former flame online can be detrimental in the moving on process, making it ultimately that much harder to let them go.
“In sessions, clients often express finding it difficult to see their ex’s activities on social media.”
Our advice? Unfollow.
WATCH: Patrick Dempsey talks reconciling with wife Jillian even after filing for divorce. Post continues…
3. It wasn’t exactly a clean break
Of course, every relationship will have its own unique circumstances. While some share six months of memories, others may share a six-year-old.
“When couples have kids together, they tend to maintain regular contact due to the fact that they have to co-parent. You then can’t just cut that person out of your life completely,” says Désirée.
Meanwhile, other couples with less invested – say, those who share no children or property – may find themselves falling back if they maintain a sexual relationship post break-up.
In fact, more than half of on-again, off-again daters maintain a physical connection even after all is said and done, which in a perfect world could work were it not for oxytocin, a chemical released in the brain after sex that induces a sense at attachment.
“Often the more things keep on lingering; the harder it is to properly get over an ex.”
4. You fear you’ll never find anyone better
Speaking from experience, Désirée explains how clients, particularly those with low self-esteem, tend to reconnect with an ex at the fear they’ll not find another partner who will make them happy, “believing this is all they can get or deserve.”
“I also hear in sessions they are concerned about whether they can be this nice person with someone else. It is important to remember; they weren’t always with you.”
Time apart appeared to be a good thing for Miley and Liam. “At the time we were both going in different directions and it’s just what needed to happen. We were both super young and it was a good decision at the time – we both needed that,” Liam has since mused in reflection.
5. You think it’ll be different this time
Désirée recalls clients, particularly the dumpee or partner who didn’t really want to break up, to sometimes be “in love with ‘a dream of what that person could have been’”.
“They keep on seeing them in a positive way, even if they may have done terrible things. They keep on hoping they will be the person they once were, believe they were, or think they could become. They are in love with a vision of what that person is, but it isn’t necessarily a realistic vision.”
How to beat the break-up like a boss
When it comes to moving on, sometimes it’s all about taking the first step into the right direction, starting with these easy-to-remember tips:
• Don’t be scared of crying. Notice that you might be angry and think of all the bad things about your ex, then recognise when you remember all the good things about them – it’s all part of the process.
• Make sure to do some physical activity. Often when you have a big shock, your body fills with stress hormones, and you’ll need a positive way to let those go.
• Know that it will pass. When you’re in the middle of something like a breakup, it can feel like the end of the world. Try to remind yourself that you felt like this last time, and just like your last breakup, you will be OK.
Not sure how to cut ties (for real this time)? Check out our comprehensive guide to moving on.
