Last year, my husband and I went through a rough patch.
It’s easy to say that now, but at the time I thought we might be done.
I was expecting to have that talk any day, and I was dreading it.
And then he suggested we see a counsellor.
I was hugely relieved but had no idea what to expect.
I’d never seen a marriage counsellor before.
It’s not something you do a lot, is it?
But it turned out to be a marriage saver.
Here’s what I learned:
- Apparently there are two sides to every story. It turned out all the stories, complaints and general unhappiness I had about our relationship was experienced very differently by my husband. We came to this union from vastly different backgrounds and our experiences have shaped the way we experience pretty much everything. Hearing my husband talk about events that I thought were very clear cut in a totally new way shocked me, but it also gave me a level of empathy for his experience I didn’t have before.
- Communication is key. When things aren’t going my way, I’m a stonewaller. I withdraw from conversations and refuse to make myself vulnerable and give anyone the chance of hurting me further. Or at least I did. Now I know that I need to open up and talk it out until there is resolution. Sometimes this is unpleasant, but eventually we get to the bottom of everything. That’s a big step for me.
- What you focus on is what you will see. Sure, maybe the dishes don’t always get done, or the bread tag is always left on the kitchen bench (what is up with that?), but if that’s where you focus your attention, you’re going to be disappointed. If you focus on the fact that your partner is a great parent, can make you laugh until you snort, or is your best confidant, you’ll be a lot happier. And it’s just a bread tag.
- Honesty isn’t always the best policy. It’s okay to pretend to like stuff you don’t, if you want to spend quality time together and make your partner feel special. Watch Game of Thrones. Go to the footy. Learn to play chess. Throw yourself into it and have a good time. Not all the time, but sometimes. Your partner might not even be aware of the effort, but they’ll love it all the same.
Be each other’s biggest fan. Talk each other up to everyone who will listen. Be your partner’s cheer squad and celebrate their victories. And never criticise them to others – especially if they are within earshot. We all know those couples who talk about each other’s shortcomings at social gatherings – it just makes everyone feel uncomfortable, and does nothing for their relationship.
It’s important to think about the future together. Dream, plan, fantasise. Where will you be in 10, 20, 30 years? What would you dream home look like? What do you want to do when you retire? Talk about it together and share your goals.
These five lessons alone have turned my marriage from rocky to rejuvenated.
Things aren’t always perfect, but I at least feel like we’re working together to steer this ship in the right direction.
Written by Carolyn Tate
