Almost every single evening, when I collapse into bed at around 11pm, I chastise myself for all I didn’t do.
I didn’t open the mail. I didn’t change the sheets. I didn’t invoice for the last column I wrote. I didn’t organise a play date for my daughter.
Didn’t. Didn’t. Didn’t. Didn’t.
I rarely congratulate myself on all I did do. I did singlehandedly keep three children fed, clean, emotionally healthy, and up to date with their homework for another day. I did bring in an income. I did put on some laundry. I did catch up with a friend for coffee.
Did. Did. Did. Did.
I do so much. Every day, I do so much. As a single mother, my life is an endless series of doing. And that’s why, when Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In was released in March 2013, I didn’t feel there was much in it for me. My marriage had just ended. I was desperately trying to establish a new normalcy for my three kids. I was trying to keep my career going. And I was dealing with the emotional burden of being almost entirely responsible for the physical and emotional wellbeing of three other people.
Sheryl wrote about seeking challenges, pursuing goals, working hard, leaning in. And she wrote about men stepping up and helping women with the family duties so that the women could push through. But I was already leaning in so hard I was almost toppling over, and I didn’t have a partner to support me. It took all the energy I had just to keep my kids and I stable. I couldn’t even contemplate trying to break through the glass ceiling.
Now, more than three years down the track, it still takes most of my energy just to do what I do. I write and I parent and I manage the household and I take tiny steps towards broadening my career. I also take some time for myself, because if I’m not okay, my kids won’t be either.
But combining work with single parenthood is incredibly time consuming, and there still are only 24 hours in one day. I have to sleep. I have to exercise occasionally. I have to cook, and clean, and shop, and do the banking, and support and nurture my children, and that just doesn’t leave much time to conquer the world.
And even if it did, I am too bloody tired.
Sheryl and late husband David
And so it was with interest that I read Sandberg’s Mother’s Day post, in which she admitted to not having understood the plight of the single mother until she became one last year, after the tragic death of her husband, David Goldberg.
Some people felt that I did not spend enough time writing about the difficulties women face when they have an unsupportive partner or no partner at all. They were right.
Finally, this hugely influential woman was recognizing and acknowledging what we have long known, that:
Each and every day (single mothers) make sacrifices, push through barriers, and nurture beautiful families despite the demands on their time and energy.
We single mothers lean in, every day. Some of us go on to achieve great things outside child rearing, some of us focus our energies on our kids. But we all deserve acknowledgement for everything we do, and not be made to feel guilty by anyone, woman or man, for all we have not.
Do. Do. Do. Do.
Remember that.
Kerri Sackville
Kerri Sackville
Kerri Sackville is an Australian columnist, social commentator and mother of three. She writes regularly for online and print media, is the author of The Little Book of Anxiety, and appears regularly on Channel 7’s The Morning Show.
Follow Kerri on Twitter at @kerrisackville, and Facebook at Facebook.com/Kerri.Sackville.
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