The concept of maternity leave is hugely exciting while you’re still at work.
You dream of watching Ellen, whipping up a Nigella Lawson dinner, even tapping on your laptop in a cafe while your little one sleeps.
What you don’t imagine is a mountain of housework and days spent cleaning food off the walls…
Surprise, surprise
Alison Osbourne, author of The Post-Baby Conversation, says stay-at-home parenting is not just one surprise, but three.
“Post-baby, there’s a series of lifestyle shocks. The first shock is that babies are a lot of work. The second is that women end up doing most of that work – usually without negotiation. The third is that her partner is usually blissfully unaware of the first two shocks!”
In most relationships, once children come along, the bulk of the housework falls to the women. Is this a fair exchange? If one partner is earning the bucks, should the other look after most of the home front? Or is parenting in itself a full-time job?
Because parenting is located in the domestic zone, managing housework usually becomes part of the job; fair or unfair, it seems to be the way life rolls. (Although one study found that unmarried couples shared housework more evenly than married ones – food for thought!)
Be accepting
Alison believes the way forward lies in accepting your new lifestyle as a job – with all its good and bad elements.
As your partner starts work outside the house, you go to work inside it, and you share the parenting and housework duties at the end of the work day and on the weekends.
Cindy is about to give birth to her first child and has found the adjustment from work to home-life difficult at times. “I get demoralised by the fact that as I finish a chore I know I am only going to need to do it again in a few days or a week or tomorrow. It never ends! In working life you can charge through a ‘to do list’ and have a boss or colleague notice. But housework is not something that ever gets crossed off that ‘to do list’.”
Stopping resentment
Becoming a stay-at-home mum means a total lifestyle shift, and it can take a while to adjust to your new job.
Says Alison: “With the birth of our baby, my new job description changed from well-paid professional to unpaid mother, with a long list of never-ending repetitive tasks that have no associated financial remuneration, no set start and finish times, no holidays, no sick leave and no annual reviews or bonus pay.
“That doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids. I adore them. I just didn’t expect that joy to require me to do the work of a small army, work that constantly takes me away from the fun stuff.
“It’s hard to feel important, sophisticated and valued when you have spent your day cleaning up vomit, wiping bottoms and washing dishes.”
Lower your expectations
The concept of the yummy mummy sells us an impossible mission: we’re supposed to look hot, mother perfectly and live in an immaculate house. Something has to give – whether it’s play time with the kids, getting a leg wax or cleaning the toilet more than once a month.
A great option, if you can afford it, is to get a cleaner. Sarah, mum of eight-month-old Gabby, says it’s been a sanity-saver.
“Having Christine come once a fortnight is just so fantastic for me – it’s totally worth the money. Life’s too short,” she says.
Other housework-busting tips include investing in a crock-pot or rice cooker for the easiest, least messy dinners, and having less clothes and crockery to minimise clutter and the amount of washing. If all else fails when you’re trying to keep the house tidy? Hide things!
Going from office chick to stay-at-home-mum is a huge journey, but it has rewards. The daily grind winds together the threads of shopping, cooking, washing and organising with hugs, songs, games and love. The whole picture makes a home. It’s a beautiful thing… at least, once the washing-up is done!
