One minute they’re squeezing their tiny toddler arms around your neck and the next they’re strapping on P-plates and driving into the sunset.
But if we can reframe our kids‘ independence from grief into a gift, we may just set ourselves up for our most vibrant years yet.
Reap the relationship rewards!
(Credit: Getty)The first sign Kate Christie’s eldest son gave that he was breaking up with her came at the primary school gate.
“He was about nine when he didn’t want to kiss me at the school gate – that was the first stab in the heart and it was a slow process from there,” recalls Kate, a time management coach and author of The Life List: Master Every Moment And Live An Audacious Life.
“[The break-up] really ramps up when they become older teenagers and start catching trains on their own and get their driver’s licence. Once they’ve got their own car keys, they’re out with their friends and partners.”
But as they go about their own lives, Kate, 53, whose children are now aged 19 to 23, says she’s realised she has so much more time and money for herself.
“When you’ve got kids breaking up with you, it can be like, ‘What do I do now? How do I fill that void?’ There’s a sadness that comes because you are genuinely going to be seeing a lot less of your child. They don’t need you as much and you’re no longer the sun that they orbit around,” she explains.
“It’s a [time for] transformation – we’re finding ourselves with more time and reflecting very deeply on the lives we’ve lived until now and thinking, ‘How do I want this to be different?'”
Embrace the freedom of a new chapter of life that’s focusing on you.
(Credit: Getty)All the years you spent running your kids around to school and sport and supporting their needs will be starting to pay dividends as you enter into a different dynamic.
Kate, who carried much of the parenting load, says she once harboured resentment towards her late ex-husband, but can now appreciate that those exhausting years were worth it.
“At the time, there were clear moments of frustration and exhaustion from carrying that load, but I’m now in a frame of mind where I want to take the good from those experiences,” she says.
“Doing all of the heavy lifting was a gift because I’m now so close to my children and I get a lot of deep love from them. I don’t think I would’ve had that incredible bond but for the fact that I did do all the heavy lifting.”
Kate makes a point of gifting experiences to her children for birthdays and Christmas so they can continue doing fun activities together.
“I don’t want my kids to spend time with me out of guilt, I want them to spend time with me out of genuine desire,” she says.
Set aside some time to create a life list of all the goals you now want to tick off.
(Credit: Getty)You might pine for a longer cuddle as your adult children race out the front door, but Kate explains that this is hardly a time for sorrow.
“We’ve been told and read that this is a time of crisis and a time of mourning and bitterness,” she says.
“But the women I surveyed say, ‘I’m thrilled for my children and I’m thrilled that I have instilled in them a sense of resilience and independence. I’ve done my job – a brilliant job – and my kids are now going off and forging their beautiful lives. And now it’s my turn.'”
Kate advocates setting aside some quiet time to ponder what we want our lives to look like now, and write a “life list”.
This could include everything from wellbeing to finances to your relationships, new adventures and goals, both big and small.
“Think about all aspects of your life, not just a ‘bucket list’ of adventure and travel, but how do you want to set yourself up?” says Kate.
“We need really solid routines [to achieve our life list] – batch and block time into every day for habits that work well for you, and have a cheer squad of supporters around you that help keep you accountable and celebrate you achieving your goals.”
