Two people meet, fall in love and live happily ever after. We all grew up reading this story in fairytales, but in real life some of us find the โever afterโ part might not play out as expected.
About one in three Aussie marriages end in divorce, with the median length being 8.5 years before separation.
Thatโs the bad news, but hereโs the good: there are lots of science-backed ways you can reduce the chances of your long-term relationship coming unstuck.
In other words, โhappily ever afterโ doesnโt come down to magic but rather time and effort.
According to Sydney-based psychologist Gemma Cribb, who specialises in relationships, one of the main reasons relationships fail is when the partnership is neglected over time.
TENDING THE FIRE
โCouples can de-prioritise their partner, resulting in loss of connection and intimacy,โ she says.
โThey can begin to take each other for granted and stop expressing fondness and admiration for each other.
โBad communication habits can also develop, particularly in situations of conflict, which can erode the sense of emotional safety and trust in the relationship.โ
Itโs easy to assume that love is enough to help you and your partner weather all of lifeโs storms, but Gemma says partnerships require ongoing effort to keep them strong and healthy.
โLove is a feeling and like all feelings, love can fluctuate,โ she explains. โYou might be having a bad day, or you might have work stress, or you and your partner might have had an argument and you might not feel love during these times even though thereโs nothing fundamentally wrong with the relationship.
โInstead, focusing on loving actions by regularly investing time, attention and energy into the relationship with your partner consistently has been shown to produce the best long-term outcomes for romantic relationships.โ
Weโve compiled a list of proven ways to keep relationships going over the long term. You might like to think of it as a sort of love insurance policy.
THE LOVE INSURANCE POLICY
Touch regularly
Research shows that couples who initiated and received touch (think: holding hands, cuddling, etc.) felt closer to their partners and experienced a stronger relationship overall.
Connect often
Gemma highly recommends having โrituals of connectionโ, which means, โMaking time in your day to spend time together, focused on each other, which can help you keep in touch with each otherโs thoughts and feelings.โ
Have conflict-negotiation strategies
โWork out which ongoing disputes you have are resolvable and which disputes occur because you are different people who come from different backgrounds and have different priorities,โ she says.
โWhere possible, accept each otherโs differences rather than trying to change your partner.โ
Pick your battles and your timing
โHaving a โstate of the unionโ meeting where you agree on a time to bring up the things that have been bugging you can help you air your grievances in the most constructive way possible and when both partners are most prepared and ready to have these conversations,โ she says.
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