Dear Danielle,
I have been married before and have a young child with my ex. I always wanted more than one child and now I am in a fairly new relationship and can see a future with this person.
I’d love to have a child with him and don’t really want to get too much older before this happens because I may want more than one and don’t want to be too old for that to be a possibility.
I guess my question is would it be wise to have a child in this new situation and if so how long should I wait before having a child with this person?
What would be seen as an “acceptable” amount of time?
I don’t feel I necessarily have to be married for this to happen as I’m not sure believe in marriage after the disappointment of my last one, although I don’t particularly want to be alone again- especially with multiple children from multiple fathers.
I also wouldn’t want the child I already have to feel threatened or feel less loved or wanted than any other ones I do have in the future.
From, Clucky
Dear Clucky,
There are no set rules or guidelines as to how to navigate a new relationship after a marriage break-up, and I don’t know if there is an “acceptable” time.
I think being really honest with your new partner about your hopes and fears is a good start, to ensure that you’re on the same page and you both feel that your future together is strong. Are you living together as a family already with your existing child? How does that feel?
Only you know if it is wise to have another child, because there are so many considerations, but as for how long?
You can only do what feels right for you. I know a ticking biological clock can lend a sense of urgency, but you need to be cautious about that being the reason you rush headlong into the baby phase in a new relationship.
People may judge, but they are not important to your story, because anyone who loves you will be happy that you are happy.
There are no guarantees in life, and this relationship may or may not pan out how you hope, but in this day and age it is no longer shocking or even uncommon for people to have children with multiple partners. Hell, look at Eddie Murphy – nine kids to five mothers, and he still has a sense of humour.
There is always an adjustment period for a child when a new sibling comes along, but as long as you’re mindful of creating special times just for the elder child, and involving them with the process of the new baby, I’m sure you’ll see a beautiful sibling bond where in time they play together and torture each other just like kids do.
I wish you luck and love.
Dear Danielle,
My children’s step-mother’s father died this week.
She and I (and my ex-husband) are all friends and I would love to attend the funeral. My kids have asked me to take them to show support, however a couple of ex in-laws will be there who have a problem with the fact I left my husband.
Do I go and show my respects or stay away so as not to cause drama or tension?
I just don’t want to deal with death stares from my ex sister-in-laws!!
From, Awkward
Dear Awkward,
My mum used to say to me “you can please some of the people all of the time, or all of the people some of the time, but you will never please all of the people all of the time.”
Who are the important people in this situation? I think your kids, and your ex-husband and his wife, who are your friends that are going through a sad time.
You need to go to the funeral… For your kids, and for yourself. If the inner circle are (kids and ex) are all cool with each other, forget about the outer circle and their death stares.
Wear something you feel great in, be your most charming self with the haters, and go pay your respects to someone you care about.
Danielle is not a qualified counsellor and all advice is opinion based only, to be followed at the responsibility of the recipient.
Do you have a dilemma or conundrum you would like to ask Danielle?
Drop her a line at [email protected] and she will endeavour to help you sort your life out.
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