There is a product for just about everything these days, and often you don’t even know it exists.
Fart absorbing pants, anti-hangover pills, desk cycles and oral sex simulators may not sound like something you need in your life but sometimes you need to try these things to discover something that, actually, you really do.
We road tested six products to see if they would be revolutionary and the results were definitely enlightening.
Cheeky Wearables Shreddies Flatulence Underwear
As someone who sits in an open plan office and often has tummy pain by the end of the day, these aroma-absorbing knickers sounded like a dream come true.
I prepared myself for the test by eating a large bowl of sausages and lentils for dinner and again for lunch the next day. I donned my gas-guzzlers and went grocery shopping fully aware that one is often struck by the desire to pass wind in a crowded shopping centre.
I must advise you that these are olfactory mufflers only and the audio aspect is still full throttle so do not be lulled into a false sense of security in aisle four.
Shreddies undies, $39.95 for ladies hipsters to $74.96 for men boxers, are lined with a special activated carbon panel, which catch aromas as you let them rip. The cute and hilarious packaging boasts it is the same technology used in chemical warfare suits, which is absolutely the grade of protection required after two days of lentils.
They actually work. I did a couple of control parps first, sans HazMat pants, to get a true base level for my experiment, and I discovered when the pants were in play they really do catch the bouquet like a keen bridesmaid.
The pants have been a great success for people who have a lack of control in the region due to illness, or for children who are bullied for flatulence, but I think all open plan offices should provide them for greater employee comfort.
The menstrual cup or moon cup, is often used by women who love it, but speak of it only in hushed tones because it’s kind of weird.
The moon cup is a medical grade silicone cup that looks similar to something you drink jelly shots out of, which you use in lieu of a tampon.
The blood collects in the cup, away from your body, so it is safer and more hygienic that sanitary pads or tampons, and kinder to the planet as you’re not destroying cotton fields or waterways.
Although I’ve had my period for 26 years, every month I forget to buy tampons so the reusable nature of the moon cup is very appealing to me.
As yet unavailable on Australian shelves, I purchased myself a Lunette menstrual cup online for $59.95. There are a number of brands, but this one sounded like a French mademoiselle I’d like to share a croissant with.
Insertion is similar to a tampon. You fold the cup to insert, and it springs open once in place. You may need to fiddle around the first few times as every body is different and the placement will vary slightly from woman to woman. If it’s in properly it feels like nothing, if it’s not, it feels like you have an angry bull ant in your knickers.
The menses mug is a little tricky to attend to in a work environment. I found myself in the loo with a bottle of water trying to empty and rinse it and keep everything tidy to prevent it looking like I killed a cow in the cubicle.
Depending on your flow it can be left in eight hours at a time, so rinsing in the shower is a much easier way to take care of business provided no children walk in and require therapy for the rest of their lives.
I didn’t like it at first. I felt it bobbing around, and found it leaked at night, but after still forgetting to buy tampons I’m learning to drive it better and it’s growing on me.
A pill that prevents a hangover? Although I do not promote irresponsible consumption of booze, my first thought is where do I sign?
I tested these puppies on a night I had a VIP pass to free champagne, so I can honestly say I gave them quite a run for their money. The nutrient rich, natural formula packed with amino acids, B1 and B2 vitamins, minerals, anti-oxidants and puerita lobata – a Chinese herb used for centuries to aid the alcoholically challenged.
They come in packets of 8 for $12.95 if you have a modest weekend planned, or 16 for $16.95 if you’re heading to Ibiza for a week. I downed four pills with my first champers, as per packet instructions and settled in for rigorous testing. The waiter was topping me up liberally so I can’t say I counted glasses but I think it would be safe to say I drank more than the recommended daily allowance.
I may or may not have thrown in a Campari, vodka and pink grapefruit cocktail somewhere along the way. How can you really judge a hangover pill if you don’t mix your grape and grain, an infamously lethal hangover combo?
I won’t say I sprang out of bed exactly, but I did definitely get away with what may have hurt a lot more without aid. It’s hard to honestly say whether it was just my lucky day or the hydrodol saved my bacon, but there is no shadow of a doubt that I deserved to feel wretched and I did not.
The Womaniser sounds like someone you’d meet at a salsa night, but it’s a “revolutionary” pleasure device, which claims not to vibrate, but to suck your clitoris and create little pressure waves to simulate oral sex.
This little lady-love machine took a couple of attempts to get the desired result.
The first time, I had just read the fact sheet and noted that 50% of women who had used the device experienced orgasm in 1 minute, and 80% in 3-5 minutes. I embraced that as a challenge, but instead I nearly blew the top of my head off via intense crotch sensations. A cooling off period ensued.
The second session, I was more conservative and opted to give myself a langorous loving experience. Mode 1 is supposed to be like soft kissing, but it’s actually missing the lips, tongue and kissing part of a partner, and goes straight to suction cup.
It was a slow build until I felt like it was time to increase pressure so I upped the mode. It intensified the suction, my breath was deepening, it started to build as that wave of silken butterfly wings started to rise and I felt those fluttery feelings in my belly. Suddenly, I reached the lightening-strike sensitivity of post orgasm without actually catching that wave and I discovered myself clinging to my light fixtures by my fingernails.
Back to Mode 1. Gentle loving kisses. Deep breathing. I repeated this a few times before I realised my nethers were never going to experience the intense pleasure of Mode 5 or I would be discovered on the Moon. Mode 1 was as high as I was going to get.
The completely localised attention is really intense. Perhaps I’m super sensitive, or let’s face it, overly used to my own manual technique. I did persevere, and after a few attempts, and some serious muscle control I had lift off.
The entire experience was intense so the release was equally explosive, and very different to normal although difficult to describe…as for the 75% of people who experienced multiple orgasms, I quit while I was ahead.
Perhaps, I need more practice?
If you’re chained to your desk and struggling to get out for exercise this little doozy may actually change your life once you get past the fact that it is similar to patting your head and rubbing your belly simultaneously.
The DeskCycle slips under your desk no matter the length of your legs or the height of your desk you can sneak in a little cycle without missing a moment’s work.
I donned my lycra, just like a real cyclist, and hit the carpet for a one hour desk ride. I must admit that I would never use an exercise bike for an hour at the gym for fear of dying of boredom, however this compromise strikes me as damn near perfect.
I could only ride at medium intensity as higher intensity made me a) lose concentration and b) wiggle around too much to type properly, however I burned 537 calories in 60 mins, and rode a tidy 36kms.
That amount of activity completed at my desk counter balances an entire bottle of wine and a Snickers bar while watching Offspring. Or you could do it while watching Offspring and consuming said calorific joy and just cancel yourself out as you ride.
For $229 I love this product and I would absolutely wear lycra at work regularly in the name of fitness.
Galvanic Spa Facial Rejuvenator
I like the idea of youthful skin, but I don’t like the idea of injecting Botulism into my face and losing the ability to look cranky at people who annoy me, so the non-invasive, natural rejuvenation promised by the Galvanic Spa seemed more my speed.
This device is used with specific AgeLOC gels and it emits a galvanic current that acts as a conductor to make the age defying serum penetrate your skin up to 5 times more than a regular moisturiser.
The device itself costs $558, and the AgeLOC gels are $80 for a month’s supply so it may seem a little expensive, but the brand NuSkin actually rewards loyalty and you receive points for purchasing and you can spend those points on more product.
Does it work? Actually, yes. After two rounds of pregnancy and breastfeeding I had dull, pigmented skin and spots like a teenager and this has plumped and rejuvenated my skin and given it a more even tone.
Twice weekly, for ten minutes, you apply the gel to a clean face, and then you use the device in an upward motion to try and wake up all of those dozing muscles which are creeping to the South Pole.
Do I look 15? No, I look like 39 year old me, but more vital. Less tired. It isn’t a Barbara Walters facelift, but I have reduced fine lines and the most notable difference is that it has reversed gravity.
My jowls were dashing towards my boobs (which are dashing towards my knees but that’s another story) and this has given my face a gentle, youthful lift.
I’ve had a number of people asking me lately what product I’m using as my skin is looking great so I’m taking that as a win.
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