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The end is near and in this episode of Seven Year Switch, things are set to kick off.
Tonight the experimental couples will meet for the first time. Will sparks fly? Will Mark cry? Has Sarge planned a military style coup?
All great questions and there’s only way to find out.
First up Johnny and Sarge meet and initially it looks like the world’s weirdest Grindr date.
Call me Sarge.
But then the boys find out they have a lot of common interests, namely bitching about Stacey Louise.
Sarge’s eyes light up when Johnny tells him Stacey hasn’t been much fun to hang out with. “I know, she never wants to do anything,” beams Sarge. HIGH FIVE!
Meanwhile, Stacey Louise and Tracey are also begrudgingly getting to know each other. In typical Stacey Louise style she’s prepared (and printed off) a series of questions.
Your time starts…NOW.
Does Sarge miss me?
Does Sarge still call himself Sarge?
What do you think of the nickname Sarge?
Have you seen my new dogtags?
Trace is a real trooper and she weathers the storm.
Eventually the ladies start swapping stories and things go sour when Tracey returns the lingerie that Stacey gifted Sarge. Stacey is gutted. T
race is sad to learn that Johnny has been romancing Stacey Louise when all he does at home is wear hi-viz and watch TV.
This leads to an awkward moment when Tracey instructs Stacey Louise not to tell Johnny that she loves him. Ice. Cold.
Over at Kaitlyn’s joint, she’s trying to bounce back from the absolute schooling she got from Felicity. For those that don’t remember (or have chosen to forget) some of the highlights include…
“You’ve broken up a family”
“I know girls that would slap you”
“Our daughter will see this one day”
She also gave Kaitlyn her engagement ring back and told her to give it to Michael. This should go down a treat given how well balanced Michael is.
While this is going down, Michael is on the way to meet Mark.
Needless to say these two would never cross paths in real life. Mark is nervous which seems consistent with how he’s been all season.
Michael clocks that and decides to try and break the ice with a kiss. Mark legitimately looks like he’s afraid for his safety.
whispers I’m going to kill you.
Now that Mark is even more uncomfortable, we can begin.
He tells Michael he was upset about the bed situation. You can tell this is the bravest moment of Mark’s life.
Michael is not happy and we all know how THAT ends. Mark is getting increasingly red and I feel like someone needs to call a paramedic.
Hello 000, yes, we have a situation.
Kaitlyn and Michael’s skinny dipping comes up… because let’s be honest it was always going to.
Mark tells him it is unacceptable behaviour….as a dad. Dangerous territory, Mark.
Michael counter punches – he’s a boxer you know – by revealing that Kaitlyn is upset that Mark has been pushing for a threesome! Woahhhhhhhh.
Jaw on the floor. What a visual. Mark says it’s only a joke.
It’s just a funnnnnnny JOKKKKKKKE.
Michael tells him he has a ‘s**t sense of humour’ which is probably the best line of the season.
Things get super heated and Mark is frantically trying to catch a producer’s eye and get them to wrap. This was easily the standout moment of Seven Year Switch to date.
Time for the experimental couples to meet up and debrief about their respective catch ups.
Johnny and Stacey Louise talk, Johnny admits Sarge was ‘devo about the undies.’
Which is not something you hear every day.
Meanwhile, Stacey tells Johnny about what Trace said, the whole “don’t say I love him” thing, which hits home pretty hard. Cue Johnny swearing and storming out.
Tracey and Sarge are next to sit down. Tracey admits that hearing about Johnny’s behaviour with Stacey Louise got to her.
Sarge just continues to rant and rave about how Stacey Louise bought herself underwear. Sarge…YOU HAVE TO LET IT GO MATE. That’s an order.
Mark returns home from the emergency room and sits down with Felicity. The threesome thing comes up again and Felicity is pretty unimpressed.
Felicity straight up tells Mark that Kaitlyn isn’t right for him and it’s time to let her go. Geez, don’t mess around Felicity. In fact, Felicity really gives it to him. This is shaping up as the worst day of Mark’s life.
Mark returns serve by saying that Michael isn’t right for Felicity and he thinks they’re only together for their kids.
Mark thinks he’s hit a winner but Felicity – so unflappable – totally agrees and tells Mark she already returned the ring and that their relationship is over. Mark is shocked.
I am shocked.
Speaking of shocked, Michael is in for a surprise as Kaitlyn prepares to tell him that Felicity is leaving.
In the least surprising news of 2017, Michael flies off the handle and when Kaitlyn gives him the ring back, well, you can guess how it ends.
In a scene that is eerily reminiscent of The Lord of the Rings, Michael tosses the ring into the wilderness.
One Ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.
That’s where they leave us and next week all the couples come together in a dinner party that is destined to end in drama and indigestion!
See you then.
