Well, it has certainly been a long time between drinks, so first up, a big old Welcome Back-chelor to fans of the series.
Now for those of you that don’t remember or have chosen to forget, last time we saw Matty J he flew all the way to Singapore only to have Georgia Love break his heart on national TV.
“Roses are, violets are blue, I fell in love, but it ain’t with you.” – Georgia Love
Since then Matty J has done what any self respecting bro would do – hung out in Bondi, worked on the rig and definitely made lots of lady friends.
And yet, despite this blessed lifestyle, there was something missing from Matty J’s life… A primetime TV platform from which he can launch his career as a media personality. Plus a shot at love etc.
So with that in mind, Matty J is back for a second chance at happiness. HERE WE GO.
Great to see Osher has been tending to his spectacular head of hair in between seasons, he’s sporting quite the do. He floats into frame to remind us that Matty is here to find his one true love. Again.
We’re then treated to Matty talking about how important his family are to him but really it’s an excuse to show him holding a baby. Cue the ovary explosion.
Thank you, my tiny wet wingman.
Matty J rocks up to the Ballin’ Bach House and presses the flesh with Osher. They chat like a couple of awkward friends who haven’t spoken since high school.
Osh – “Hey man, how are you?”
MJ – “I’m good man, how are you?”
Osh – “Good, good man.”
Once this exchange is over, the reality starts to kick in and Matty realises he’s a long way from Bondi. (NB: The Bachelor mansion is in Glenorie, over an hour from Bondi). But there’s no time to consider calling an Uber and hightailing it to Ravesi’s because our first girl is arriving!
The Ladies
Alix: She’s a painter. But not like that bloke that you pay to do 3 coats in your living room. Alix is, a body painter. Ooh sexy. We’ll see more of her
Tara: Wants kids, talks about kids a lot, describes herself as “just a big kid.” Both her sisters have kids. KIDS KIDS KIDS.
Laura: She’s a jewellery designer from Rushcutters Bay. Which Matty finds really appealing given its proximity to Bondi.
Cobie: Washes coal for a living and turns up with helium balloons. Matty is intrigued, especially by the coal thing. I mean, who can blame him.
Simone: “Nothing much more is going to fit in this dress.” Enough said.
We then get rapid montage of girls arriving. Hot tip, if you don’t get much air time at the meet and greet, chances are you won’t be around long.
However, other highlights include…
Laura Ann: She tells Matty she wants “someone who makes my ovaries tingle.” I feel like maybe she’s in market for a gynaecologist.
Jennifer: Tells Matty that she wants him to ‘dip’ her, it’s on her bucket list. You need to dream bigger Jennifer.
Natalie: Describes herself as “bat shit crazy” and admits to Insta-stalking Matty for 6 months. You can almost hear Matty pocket dialing 000. She then reveals that she was recently dating a woman before seeing Matty shirtless on The Bachelorette. Well, that was really something.
Michelle: Rocks up in a cop car, is an actual cop. May or may not have brought her gun to Bachie mansion.
Belinda: A professional love coach (prob did an online course), Belinda forces Matty to put his hand on her heart and they have to maintain eye contact for a whole minute. All of my worst nightmares.
Florence: Is Dutch, brings clogs.
Akoulina: OK well it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for – things just got weird. “I’m Akoulina, I love rhythmic gymnastics and I’ve going to wrap Matty up in my love ribbon.” Matty, much like everyone else, is confused.
I may love you, but not as much as I love rhythmic gymnastics.
Lisa: A tall, glamorous blonde model. Matty is frothing on her. A strong contender for top 3.
Leah: She’s a cut price Keira. Fancies herself as the ‘full package’ is ironically only wearing half a dress. I sense that Matty is immediately scared of her. She forces him to spin around slowly in some kind of sick game and he looks on the verge of tears.
SPIN FOR ME BACH-BOY
And time for the cocktail party…
It takes about three seconds for everyone to agree that Leah is a loose cannon and she needs to be dealt with. “Her ass is hanging out a net, that’s not on” says one of Matty J’s many suitors.
Before the girls can perform some kind of ritual sacrifice on Leah, Osher arrives. He does the whole “first night of the rest of your life” speech but no one is really listening until he reveals THIS bombshell. “For the first time ever, we’re introducing THE SECRET GARDEN!!!”
Presumably Osher isn’t referring to book of the same name written in 1911 by Frances Hodgson burnett about a young girl whose parents die of cholera (thanks Wikipedia). BUT IMAGINE IF HE WAS! Seriously though, it’s a place where Matty can take the lady of his choosing for some alone time.
After this announcement Osher disappears into the shadows and the party begins. Again. Then the lights go out and a fire twirler arrives because, why the hell not?
Turns out it is out this fire twirler is in fact our final girl, Elora.
The girls seem really welcoming.
Elora: From Tahiti, spins fire, named after a character from the movie, Willow.
Leah reckons Elora doesn’t stand a chance and WHAT LEAH SAYS GOES! Also she reckons Elora is tacky… meanwhile has anyone seen the remainder of Leah’s dress?
Needless to say Elora has freaked out the girls. They have many questions about her.
“What is she, American? Why is her voice different to mine?”
“Is she safely allowed to operate that fire in accordance with Bachelor bylaws?”
“She said her name is Elora, is that even a real name? If she’s lying about that, what else is she lying about?”
Meanwhile Elora is just straight killing it in some alone time with Matty J, they’re even talking about how much they love dogs. This pleasant dog-chat is interrupted by Jen. Jen is then interrupted by Stephanie. Who is then interrupted by Natalie. And then Laura Ann. And then Leah.
While Leah is busy trying to steal a lock of Matty’s hair, Jen overhears Elizabeth say that her dress looks ‘putrid.’ Cue. The. Tears.
Babe, that is so out of line.
All this tension is broken when Nat does a fart. Yep, thats right, she farts. And I’m writing about it and you’re reading about it. What has the world come to?
To be fair, she’s got great fart form. Strong leg movement, 8/10.
And now we’re baaaaaaaaaaaaack to the dress argument and both Jen and Elizabeth roll out some CLASSIC passive aggressive lines. It’s got all the hits, including, “I don’t need the drama” plus, “This is so beneath me, honestly” and don’t forget, “You need to get over yourself babe.”
All this farting and fighting has the girls riled up and talk eventually turns to the secret garden. Leah takes the chance to use the pun everyone has been avoiding by saying “I want to show Matty MY SECRET GARDEN.” Come on Leah, just because it’s obvious doesn’t mean you have to say it.
Leah, Has A Secret Garden.
Matty J takes Lisa the leggy model to The Secret Garden – and let’s be honest, Lisa is top 5 fo sho. Matty confirms this by basically drooling over her.
Oi, marry me?
Those who haven’t had one on one time with Matty are starting to panic. Michelle – the cop – hasn’t had any solo yolo time with the Bachelor and she looks stressed. But then in walks Matty and gives her the FIRST ROSE – what?! Michelle is cool so she totally deserves it, but also she has a gun so as if you wouldn’t give her a rose. I’d give her ALL the roses. Shut this show down man, you win Michelle. Now pass the firearm slowly.
Onto the rose ceremony.
Two girls will be sent home and Osher tells us it is very serious. It’s basically life or death. I mean, imagine not receiving a rose from the guy you’ve known for 15 minutes, THE SHAME.
Slowly and with the aid of dramatic filler music, Matty hands out the roses to all the different ladies. Stacey and Monica (honestly first time seeing them is now) are sent home.
They leave, it’s sad but we’re only just beginning.
See you tomorrow night Bach-buds.
