We’re mere days away from Matty J choosing just one girlfriend out of Elise Stacy, Tara Pavlovic and Laura Byrne on The Bachelor Australia 2017 finale.
And we have a bone to pick with Channel Ten about the dating show.
Now, we all know The Bachelor Australia 2017 has enjoyed many a X-rated moment…
But this series has also moonlighted as soap opera.
And scene.
Director Matty is very happy with that!
Cue the violins and turn on the wind machine, as we walk in slow motion towards the camera.
Now To Love rounds up the five times Matty J, Osher Gunsburg [plus his beautiful hair] and the Bachie babes provided Logie Award-winning performances on The Bachelor Australia 2017.
1. Laura and Matty’s final convo at home visits
Strike a pose.
Guys, we know you think you’re watching fake/real Dee come back to life and tell Toadfish that she loves him.
But this isn’t Neighbours, this is The Bachelor Australia 2017.
We’re guessing this was on the Bachie producers’ mood board.
In one of the best faux-intense moments of the season, we have Matty trying to find out if Laura loves him.
He bravely asked her, “Are you 100% certain?”
Laura, gazing into his eyes, with the background music intensifying, begged, “Are YOU 100% certain?”
The Sydney-sider continued, rather passionately, “You can’t answer. Uh, you know I want this.”
“Don’t do that. Not if you can’t say the same thing back to me. It is petrifying because I don’t know that you want this or not yet.”
^^Laura? Love the dress… And the wind machine is a great touch.
This is Laura’s moment… Let her continue:
“I feel like I have made myself as vulnerable as I can be and as I feel comfortable to be,” she tells the camera.
“And I hope that he knows how I feel about him. But I just don’t know if it’s enough.”
We’re a little sad she didn’t take some more dramatic licence and fling herself to the floor.
Watch the moment below!
2. Channel 10 bought MJ and Laura a star…
Of course, how could we forget the age old rule: If you can’t BE a star… BUY ONE.
Before MJ and his new star (plus Laura) went on a date to the observatory, they casually chatted to a creepy psychic.
She shared that they’re 100 percent compatible.
Judging by her bejeweled fingers, jewellery designer Laura definitely had nothing to do with that prophecy.
Nice rings, psychic lady.
Did she forsee that Laura would get a star AND a rose? Probably not.
Back to the star moment – it felt very low-grade Hollywood.
Rotten Tomatoes advised that the script needs work with lines like, “We’re having a star baby,” and “Aww she’s beautiful. She has your eyes.”
Our deepest concern is for Mattaura, the star.
If Laura isn’t the last gal standing, will they get joint custody?
3. Snowy 2.0 aka Tara’s brother calling Matty a liar was funnily enough, a lie
First and foremost, we’ll never forget our real-life guru and angel-face Nikki Gogan’s brother-in-law Snowy.
During Tara Pavlovic’s home visit, we met 2017’s Bachie MVP, Troy.
Matty seemed perplexed by the fact that everyone’s family wanted to look out for their girl.
So you can imagine his confusion when Tara’s little brother decided to ruffle his feathers.
Bachie goes Mexican stand off…
“You may as well just tell us now,” Troy questioned Georgia Love’s ex, “Are you gonna pick Tara?”
Sweating bullets, MJ replied, “I wish I could tell you an answer.”
Not missing a beat, Team Tara said, “You’d be mad not to pick her, mate. Mate, she’s one in a million.”
“You’ve got, what, four girls still in the competition. You’re gonna break some hearts, aren’t you?”
You’d think Osher would have trained MJ for this moment, but judging MJ’s response, our padwan has still much to learn.
“I wish I could tell you right now if I was gonna end up with Tara… or not. At the moment, I don’t know the answer to that question.”
And then in Troy’s Gold Logie winning moment, he remarks, “Liar.”
But the scene seemed weirdly edited and spliced together…
Troy learned from the best.
Well, that’s because it was.
Now, in something only a telenovela could recreate, Tara has revealed the “liar” moment was re-edited.
^^ All of Australia.
The adorable nanny took to Instagram to share a snap from the episode, penning, “Nothing but laughs and happiness with these guys… So grateful I get to call these people my family.”
“Believe it or not, Troy is actually super nice #cleverediting #goeasycroey.”
She then explained in the comments section of the post, “That’s not how it was. That was clever editing.”
“It was a happy conversation. Troy said liar to a whole other conversation about one of Matty’s tattoos. I feel terrible that people think Troy would have ruined it for me- he was nothing but nice.”
To think a reality TV show would alter the footage…
You’re telling us.
4. Special guest star Jame Blunt lacked the special
James looks… Distressed.
James Blunt has sold over 20 million records worldwide, he is the recipient of a bucket of awards, including five Grammy nominations.
And these days he sings for Matty J and his hot date of the moment, Elise Stacy.
He belted out one of the least romantic ballads in his repertoire, Don’t Give Me Those Eyes, a song about needing to break up with someone.
Despite his starring role in the episode, James didn’t take on the director’s notes to look pleased about being there.
You can watch it in all its awkward glory below!
Explaining himself, James told Fitzy and Wippa, “It was quite awkward because I was singing a song which was saying don’t give me those eyes because this thing is over, this relationship is over. Done. Finito!”
“Here I am, sort of tearful, singing a song, crying away, while there are tongues down the throat.”
“And then I was like, here I am watching you guys. And then I suppose I got into it. I like to watch.”
And the muso isn’t lying.
Delivering the season’s best line, while watching MJ get his pash on, he remarked, “Go on then!”
5. Matty J is not a puppet
It was the MJ meltdown that was missing from the season.
Halfway through the series, after sending Sian home, Matty delivered this impassioned speech to the girls.
“I had a chat with Sian. I think the main issue was that she was really questioning what was real and what wasn’t, and even questioning things that I was saying, if they were genuine or not.”
“I just want to say to you ladies that I’m not some puppet that’s been told what to do.”
Osher shows off an empty ear, while Matty clearly has an ear piece. Watch our leading man’s big speech in the video below!
With his ear piece visibly showing, he continued, “When I pick someone for a single date, that’s because I’ve picked them myself. I decide who goes on those dates. When you receive a rose in the rose ceremony, that’s because it’s entirely my decision.”
“There is absolutely no one telling me what to do, or when people need to leave. I’m here purely because I want to find someone, and I hope you can appreciate that.”
Kate, you may want to sit down.
One former contestant blew the lid off Matty’s season, telling Fairfax Media that he always had a producer in his ear to feed through lines.
“Those who had been fighting that week would be the last to get a rose for dramatic effect,” she-who-must-be-named revealed.
“He acted so devastated, heavy sighing and heavy breathing. Once the girl walked out and he heard, ‘OK, it’s a wrap,’ he was back to being happy Matty again.”
We’re guessing the girls weren’t aware of MJ’s acting past…
The booted girl also confessed, “He’s very concerned with his image.”
“Everything that comes out of his mouth is image conscious and measured. He wants Australia to believe he is the perfect gentleman.”
Unfortunately for Matty, on Thursday night he’ll be breaking someone’s heart.
And a heartbreaker does not make a perfect gentleman…
But this helps.
