Is there anything better than sitting around the table at Christmas and reading out those oh-so-bad, yet oh-so-good Christmas cracker jokes?
They’re full of bad puns and the sort of lame wisecracks your Dad might have made when you were a kid, yet there’s something about these hilariously awful jokes that we just can’t get enough of.
So if you’ve already torn through your Christmas bon bons and are looking for some more pearlers, wow your friends and family with these holiday zingers, cracker free.
What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!
What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve?
Auld Fang Syne!
Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low “elf” esteem!
What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days!
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
Who is Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!
What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet!
What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!
Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle!
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that’s deep pan, crisp and even!
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!
What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm!
What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful!
What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross Mouse Cards!
What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!
What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells!
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
Mistle-toad!
Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?
Noël Coward!
What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
Stick with me and we’ll go places!
Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
Because they were two deer!
What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?
The One Show!
What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?
He pulled a cracker!
Why don’t you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?
Because he has private elf care!
How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?
They had a weigh in a manger!
Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
Because their days are numbered!
What did the snowflake say to the fallen leaf?
You are so last season!
What do you call someone that’s scared of Santa?
Claus-traophobic
What says ‘Oh-Oh-Oh’
Santa walking backwards!
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Can you smell carrot?
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