Episode 1 of The Bachelor 2017 has finally aired and strewth, we’re in for a bloody ripper of a season.
Well, if the premiere is anything to go by…
Matty J, as suspected, is walking heaven. And the girls? We’ve got a bevvy of beauties alright, including a copper, a flame dancer(?), a model, a ribbon enthusiast and someone who likes to say moist.
So now episode 1 is over, what pearls of wisdom can we take away from the most important show on TV?
[It IS the most important show on TV – What of it?]
1. Matty J is the best Bachie there ever was
^ Don’t get in a flap, Richie
Matty J is a better Bachelor than Tim Robards. Better Bachelor than Sam Wood. Better Bachelor than Richie Strahan.
A bold claim, we hear you cry. And yes, we’ve only just started but let’s review the evidence, shall we?
Matty has the full package.
And yeah, we’re going to talk about that bod.
^ Is this real life?!
But he also has naked vulnerability after getting his heart ripped in two on national TV (SEE WHAT YOU’VE BLOODY DONE, GEORGIA LOVE?!). We’re helpfully reminded of this moment. Twice. Just for good measure, you know.
Most importantly, he has actual banter to carry the series through (soz, Richie) and his playful chat with the girls was making us swoon like no-one’s business.
OH AND WE ALMOST FORGOT the cute baby nephew which made for collective hungry wombs across Australia. Seriously. Stop it.
Womb is hungry
2. First impressions damn well count…
We’re not going to go through all the gals because ain’t nobody got time for that, but here are some takeaways from those all important first impressions:
Natalie
Let us start by saying Natalie is an unapologetic hero and the show is made infinitely better by her presence.
But, as general rules…
DON’T admit to social media stalking the dude you’re hoping to impress as soon as you meet him. Honest? Yes. A bit creepy? Hell’s yes.
Or say you’ve got sticky hands.
Or say the word moist.
Repeatedly.
MOIST.
You know, just general rules. That being said, she’s doing her and we respect that.
Leah
Leah
Where do we start with this first impression? Don’t mess up Matty’s glorious hair. Don’t deliberately set out to be the next Keira. We see you, girl. And don’t slag off every other woman in the vicinity. More on why this is the worst later.
Stacey
Stacey
If you have to wear a sash that says Miss Personality then… (This is cruel but true. Goodbye, Stacey, we barely knew ye!)
Belinda
Belinda
Don’t use an egg timer that sounds like a ticking bomb in a weird love guru heart ritual that made everyone more than a tad uncomfortable.
You’re not cooking a turkey, love. Just don’t.
Elora
Elora
Flames make an entrance. Funny that.
The Secret Garden was trumped by the arrival of Elora who did some sort of fire dance ritual, which was very impressive and left the rest of the girls reeling. Particularly poor Akoulina whose ribbons fell flat.
Tahitian-born contestant Elora and her fire are going to go far.
3. If you say you don’t like DRAM-AH, you’re probably going to bring DRAM-AH
Jennifer
Exhibit A: Jennifer
Alright, alright, we felt sorry for Jennifer when Elizabeth called her dress “putrid” but she was always going to bring the DRAM-AH one way or another. When Leah, who we’ve already established as ‘anti-women’ said she wouldn’t be intimidated by her, Jennifer’s retort was “You should be.” So, y’know, it was always going to happen.
We rather enjoyed the other girls rallied around her with popcorn when she started crying to prove “eating your feelings” can sometimes work.
4. “How to not make friends and alienate people” – a lesson
Let’s just say Emmeline Pankhurst was turning in her grave at this lots’ antics.
~ Elizabeth saying Jennifer’s dress was putrid. So unnecessarily mean. Or “savage”, which was the word of the episode.
~ Leah bad-mouthing, well, just about all of them. She doesn’t think she has any competition. Sure.
~ Leah not saying ‘hi’ to other contestants, stating she’s ‘not here to make friends.’ Every. Year.
~ At least three of them commenting on how little another contestant was wearing. You know there’s someone styling them, right?
~ The irony of Akoulina fuming at Elora’s entrance: “She’s being all look at me, look at me,” she raged after coming in with ribbons and gymnastics.
We’re going to go out on a limb here and say Matty probably won’t pick someone who’s slagging people off, left, right and centre.
5. What the girls wear seems to be pretty indicative of how they’ll progress in general
We’re going to go ahead and call it: if you’re wearing red, you’ll go far.
We’re mostly looking at you, Lisa.
Lisa
Well, that was our takeaways from episdode 1. The premiere has certainly whet our appetite for the rest of the series! One more, for good measure:
