It’s not often you find a TV show with a title that perfectly sums up how you’re feeling about TV shows in general. Welcome to The Last Resort.
Basically five ‘couples in crisis’ are sent off to a remote island to try and see if they can save their relationship. That’s what we call a band aid treatment but hey, who am I to undermine this entire TV series.
They’ve got one month to see if they can find a way to love again and presumably if they don’t they’ll be left on the island, Tom Hanks in Castaway-style.
Let’s meet the couples who decided to leave their dignity at the door and allow the entire country to take part in their crumbling relationship.
First up, Lucy and Carl. It takes about two seconds before we learn what their deal is.
Even the caption guy is judging you, Carl.
If it isn’t clear from that screenshot, Carl had an affair. He’s a personal trainer – Ugh – and says things like “wanna root.”
So it’s almost impressive that he managed to have an affair. Still though, run for the hills Lucy.
Next up, Sharday and Josh, separated parents with a two year old daughter. Sharday isn’t an actual name which is maybe why they split up?
It’s pronounced SHAR-DAY. Josh not pictured.
Our next pair… Lisa and Dan, who both have kids from previous relationships.
They run a blender empire.
They’re a blended family, like The Brady Brunch! Lisa thinks Dan is too relaxed and Dan thinks Lisa nags too much. That is classic Brady Bunch behaviour.
The fourth victims of Last Resort are Jodie and Stu. They’re married but haven’t had sex in over a year.
Stu’s face but.
Jodie is pretty gutted about their sexless situation and you get the feeling that Stu could be in for a pretty busy month in between the sheets.
Last but not least, high school sweethearts Sarah and Keelan.
KEELAN IS FEELAN GOOOOOOOOD.
Keelan drinks too much and Sarah wants him to grow up. He looks about 13 so maybe she’s wants him to hit 21 at least.
Now that we’ve met the couples it’s time to sit down with the counsellors and share their stories.
Side note, “relationship coach” Michael has a hilarious name.
What happens when Austin Powers has a cold? See answer above.
Slowly the couples trot out their individual tales and needless to say it’s all pretty depressing – affairs, fake pregnancies, insanely long bouts of celibacy. This place is literally the last resort I would ever go to.
Carl ensures everyone’s jaws are firmly on the floor when he says he doesn’t really feel guilty about the affair he had.
When they had a baby, Lucy was up all night, so they weren’t having sex – so selfish Lucy how dare you look after your newborn. Anyway he found it elsewhere. YEP.
Dan decides to one up Carl by announcing to the group that he once split up with Lisa via Facebook messenger.
Hey Lisa, have you checked your Facey?
Dan reckons he did it because he doesn’t like conflict. But he DOES like computers. So you do the math Lisa.
After the world’s worst story swapping session, Sandy and Michael, our relationship coaches, tell the couples that at the end of the month if they haven’t sorted themselves out then they can NEVER be together after that.
I don’t know how concrete that rules is but I’m certainly not going to questions Mr Myerscough.
All this emotional trauma is thirsty work so the couples head out to for dinner and drinks. They talk about boobs for a while but then things get serious. Again. I can feel an indigestion coming on.
Sharday tells everyone that she lied to Josh about him being the father of their baby, so he missed the birth. Needless to say this goes down like a lead balloon.
Sharday then throws Lisa under the bus by asking how she met Dan, knowing that Dan was married when they met. OOOOOhhhh brutal.
In typical Dan style he decides to up the ante by revealing his wife was SIX MONTHS pregnant with his spawn when he cheated. Hot tip, Sharday and Lisa will be mortal enemies.
Sharday will Shar-pay.
After this disastrous dinner party it’s time for a debrief. Sharday decides she hates everyone and doesn’t appreciate that no one has faith in her and Josh.
Meanwhile Jodie and Stu head to their room, love is certainly in the air, there are even rose petals on the bed, but Stu ain’t gonna do what Jodie wants to do.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m going to bed, goodnight said Stu.
And that’s about it for this evening, seems Last Resort has lodged its way into our viewing schedule and it ain’t going anywhere.
If you can’t beat em, join em!
