Welcome back, guys. Not since September 24th, 1964 – the day Gilligan’s Island premiered – have such an annoying bunch of people been marooned so pointlessly on an island.
Yep, that’s right, welcome to episode three of The Last Resort.
Tonight we’re promised ‘more drama than ever before’ but that’s the reality TV version of the little boy that cried wolf so I am reserving judgement.
We learn that the lads will be planning the “perfect” date for their ladies, so that should be a good chance to judge other people’s idea of perfection.
Hands up if you think Keelan will take Sarah dirt bike riding?
We’re also told that sex is on the agenda in tonight’s episode and Stu – who doesn’t sleep with Jodie – looks like he is going to have a panic attack.
Let’s (NOT) talk about sex baby.
Sex expert (sexpert?) Dr Nikki Goldstein has joined the couples to talk all things copulation.
She’s asking them to talk about issues in the bedroom. This should be AMAZING.
The couples each take their turn and along the way we learn that Carl is as creepy in the bedroom as he is in real life.
Before Dr Goldstein leaves Carl asks herself if she’s available for one on one sessions.
Yep, I think we can all agree Carl – WHO ALREADY HAD AN AFFAIR – is not to be trusted.
Blink twice if you need help Lucy.
Before the fantasy dates, the couples all have a quick catch up with the relationship experts.
Because talking about all the worst parts of your relationship right before you go on a date is the best way to make sure you have a bad time.
The couples discuss their various problems but I can’t help notice that Michael is wearing a fetching new pair of spectacles.
Be honest, do these make me look clever?
Time for the dates and first up, Keelan and Sarah go for a sneaky snorkel and he promises not to drink. How romantic.
Sharday and Josh are camping which seems like a BAD idea, no one really likes camping.
Plus, with Sharday’s porcelain complexion she’s ripe for a vicious sunburn. As predicted, Sharday doesn’t like it.
Looks fun.
Spare a thought for Lucy who is stuck in the car for two hours with Carl, presumably talking about protein powder, before finally reaching her ‘fantasy’ date.
They awkwardly float down the river on a boat made from reeds.
Up next, Lisa and Dan. Initially, we see that Lisa has a blindfold on which is probably because her fantasy date involves not having to look at Dan.
Not seeing Dan? Already the best date ever.
Seriously though, Dan takes Lisa on a plane ride despite her crippling fear of heights and has the worst day of her entire life.
Should’ve just left the blindfold on. Eventually, they arrive at a beachside villa but the wind has kicked off and Lisa is freezing.
In Dan’s defence he’s not in charge of the weather, but still, worst date ever.
As for Jodie and Stu, they’ve headed off for a romantic lunch and I’m really rooting (scuse the pun) for Stu. He’s bought Jodie a new dress and she says she “feels like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.” I’m guessing she means after Julia meets Richard Gere, not before.
For those curious, Sharday is still hating her fantasy date and Josh tries to make things better by cooking up a (disgusting) feast.
I might just eat some sand.
Somehow this meal salvages their relationship and they kiss and makeup. Go figure.
It’s less successful for the other couples. Jodie is scared that she’s disconnected from Stu, despite his best efforts.
Lisa is fed up with Dan and storms out of their dinner. Last but not least, Keelan is back on the bottle and has let Sarah down.
Thumbs down all round. Let’s do it all over again tomorrow night!
