Welcome back to The Last Resort and it’s the morning after the night before.
Everyone wakes up and they’re horrified to learn that this whole thing wasn’t some kind of sick and twisted dream and they are in fact, stuck on this island.
Slowly the couples turn on each other as couples tend to do when they’re hung-over and being filmed.
First to get cranky is Sharday who keeps banging on about ‘the competition,’ leaving her partner Josh very confused.
I get the feeling she’s thinks she’s on Survivor.
Josh, what time is Tribal Council?
Tonight the experts decide to split the couples up, sending the boys off on a lad’s day while the girls are having ladies day out.
It takes about thirty seconds for guys to bust out a footy #BoysWillBeBoys
YEAH THE BOYS!
Meanwhile, the ladies are at a waterfall, sipping champagne and talking about affairs.
Lisa is sure that Dan wouldn’t ever cheat on her; while Jodie declares that Stu is too lazy to have sex with her, let alone anyone else. Well played, Jodie.
Back at the communal campfire the couples link up again. The mood is light and fun, absence makes them heart grow fonder etc. But then in comes psychologist Sandy to immediately blow the buzz.
“Put your hand up if you feel resentment right now?” she yells. I certainly do Sandy; everyone was having a nice time till you rocked up.
Slowly the couples agree and now Sandy announces they’re going to play a game. Each person has a box and in that box is a symbol of their resentment – what a fun game this will be. They need to get it out, show the group and then burn it in front of everyone.
The ‘game’ is as traumatic as it sounds. Sharday busts out a list of things she resents about Josh. Sandy tells her to “just read out a couple.”
Safe to say Sharday was prepared for this game, maybe even too prepared.
Jodie pulls out some lingerie and burns it, telling Stu he wouldn’t appreciate it. Stu says it’s a hard thing to swallow, which, to be fair, is a poor choice of words.
How’s that body language.
Despite the dangerous levels of smoke billowing out of Jodie’s burning underwear the group pushes on with the game.
Lisa has printed out the Facebook messages Dan sent when he broke up with her. Oh, this should be humiliating.
Dear Lisa, how kool is Facebook? PS ur dumped.
After this excruciating exercise the couples stroll back to their rooms and – unsurprisingly – they’re full of resentment now. Nice one, Sandy.
Just when you thought Sandy had already used all her bad ideas, the next day she announces yet another experiment for the couples.
She’s forcing Lisa to marry a complete stranger while Carl watches on. What’s that sound? It’s a barrel being scraped, time to pick up your game Sandy.
The same goes for Josh, he is also going to tie the knot in a ‘mock’ wedding while Sharday watches on. My gut tells me Sandy is at a career crossroads.
“I am out of ideas” Sandy Rea, 2017
The weddings are ridiculous and I mostly feel for the ‘mock’ bride and groom who have been pulled from StarNow and somehow landed this outrageous gig.
How bad must things be going for them if they need to say yes to this?
File this under “Jobs I should’ve knocked back.”
After some fake vows, Sharday demands that Josh lets go of this strangers hands. He does as he is told and then Josh’s fake wife is awkwardly shuffled off camera.
Before I can comprehend how insane this is, we’re moved on to the next mock wedding – Lisa and another stranger.
Lisa’ husband, Carl, seems to have misunderstood the concept and as Lisa walks down the FAKE WEDDING aisle he is visibly annoyed.
“If she wants that other guy, then we’re done,” Carl yells to no one in particular. Carl, mate, this is an experiment.
The other guy is an actor, he literally has no idea what is going on, he hasn’t even said a single word.
Just the three of us.
While the producers explain to Carl what is going on Lisa proceeds with her fauxmance.
Eventually someone prompts Carl and tells him to intervene – “She can’t get married she’s my wife,” says Carl with an alarming lack of authenticity.
That seems about the right point to leave it on and as the credits roll, I can’t help feeling a bit like Carl – angry, confused, heavily tattooed, bored, hungry and presumably sleep deprived.
See y’all next time!
