It’s not often you get to see someone totally unravel on TV, so when it happens, you better drink it up. And it happened tonight on episode two of The Bachelorette Australia.
Sam and Jarrod didn’t just go off the deep end tonight, they jumped on in and started splashing around. Between Sam slowly capitulating and repeating “Double Delight” 1000 times and Jarrod constantly taking his jacket off and offering it to Sophie, it was a masterclass in blowing it.
It’s our pleasure to bring to you – with a little help from Sam and Jarrod – How To Lose A Gal in 10 Ways.
Repeat the phrase “I WANT MY DATE”
There’s no better way to scare off a potential love interest then by demanding they go on a date with you. Sam must’ve missed the memo because he spent the first five minutes of the episode rocking back and forth screaming “I WANT MY DATE.” We get it Rain Man, just be patient.
I’m not sure, but I think he wants a date.
2. Make Everyone Uncomfortable
During the group date, Sam was cast as Robin Hood while James was cast at the loveable (but not so sexy) Friar Tuck. James decided he didn’t give a Friar Tuck and had fun with it, cracking jokes and making Sophie laugh. This made Sam weep internally and his only response was to make things super awkward by saying sentences like “I’m way better at Robin Hood than James would’ve been” and “I basically own you James.”
I do own you, I do.
3. Yell “I JUST LOOKED AT SOPHIE’S CANS”
Bizarrely it turns out women don’t like it when you blatantly look at their breasts and then scream it out loud for everyone to hear. This was the beginning of the end for Sam. After he yelled “I JUST LOOKED AT SOPHIE’S CANS” what did he think would really happen? Sophie would disrobe and whisper take me now. No mate, she thinks you’re a creep who’s probably never actually seen cans before.
Sam-I-am, Sam-I-am, I am looking at your cans
4. Break The Bro-Code
Look, this is a competition and everyone wants to win Sophie’s heart, but that’s no excuse to throw your mates under the bus. Sam kept saying how fat James looked as Friar Tuck, clearly trying to undermine him in front of Sophie. That’s a low act. Also grabbing him just reinforces your weird can obssession. We get it Sam, you’re obsessed with cans. Anywhere, anytime, any place, you want to touch, discuss and just generally be around cans.
“Hey Sam what’s your favourite city in Australia?” CAIRNS!!!!
5. Drink In The Bushes While The Girl Is On Another Date
I mean this one should be pretty self explanatory and yet here we are. While Sophie was turning up the heat in a biblical themed shoot with Blake, Sam settled into a nearby shrub to get boozed and bitchy. It was like the world’s saddest drinking game – every time Sophie nestled into one of Blake’s pecs, Sam took a long sip of regret.
Mmm…SuperDry, just like my love life.
6. Point Like A Drunk Soccer Mum
Pointing is rude, didn’t anyone ever teach you that? To make matters worse, you look like a mum who’s been smashing Sauvignon Blanc at their son’s under 12’s match and is now abusing the 15-year-old referee. IT WAS A PENALTY YOU LITTLE IDIOT!
PENALTY!
7. Be WAYYYYY Too Keen
Jarrod enjoyed the first single date with Sophie and also landed the first kiss. That’s great for you Jarrod, but you know what didn’t happen? You didn’t get married and commit to each other forever. But Jarrod with the VINyard seems to think that’s the case. At the cocktail party he totally cooked his goose, every time someone looked at Sophie he viciously strained his neck like that girl from The Exorcist. Take it from me pal, we can smell your desperation from here and it STANKS.
“I wonder if our kids will like the vinyard?”
8. Offer Your Jacket Too Many Times
It’s great that chivalry isn’t dead but it’s also great that people can decide if they’re hot or cold. During the cocktail party, Jarrod would not stop offering his jacket to Sophie. Seriously mate, if the VINYARD doesn’t work out hit up the menswear department at Myer, the man can shift a blazer. She said no like 10 times but eventually gave up because it was just easier.
Jacket?
Someone, please? Jacket?
And now she’s sweating.
9. Steal Someone’s Gift Idea
There’s not many things I like about Blake. He takes a lot of selfies, calls himself an entrepreneur and wore a terrible salmon suit tonight. But one thing I will give him is that he gave Sophie ugg boots and she totally dug that gift. So it was poor form when Jarrod also gave her ugg boots tonight. It’s one thing to cut a guy’s grass, but to steal his present idea too? Lowest of blows.
You can never have too many pairs
10. Death Stare The Person You’re Dating
This is another good one to remember team. There’s “the look of love” and then there’s “the look of love to wear your skin as a suit.” During the rose ceremony Sam brushed his wispy hair to the side of his head and just looked into Sophie’s soul. He very much has the vibe of a guy who will sneak into your house and hurt your pet. Anyway, staring isn’t caring so stop it.
I C U.
PS – Jourdan with a U went home tonight, he limped his way out of the mansion and I for one will miss him dearly. If we learnt anything from Jourdan you should never let anyone not cheat on you. Wise words.
