It’s been a whole week since the Mattchelor broke Australia’s heart by opting for full time jewellery designer Laura Byrne over full time legend Elise Stacy on the finale of The Bachelor Australia. But a week is a long time in Bachelor land and Matty is now a distant memory, replaced instead by Monky, as in Sophie Monk.
That’s right Australia’s…sweetheart?…is set to find love (or at least a career rejuvenation) by becoming our next Bachelorette!
In true Bachelorette form we’re treated to all the classic intro gear – Sophie walking on the beach, Sophie walking her dog, Sophie hanging out with David Attenborough.
“I don’t know why I’m here but thanks for the free wine” – David
Turns out this Attenborough lookalike is actually Sophie’s dad! Wow this season is already better than The Bachelor.
With the formalities are out of the way, it’s time to meet the men who will be vying for Sophie’s heart or – at the very least – looking to score a regional radio gig in the next 6 to 12 months.
Now they say you can’t judge a book by it’s cover but you can 100% judge a man by his entrance and that’s what we’ll be doing tonight. The initial meet and greet is make or break in Bachelor-land, so we’re here to give you a clear cut idea of who is the hot favourite, who doesn’t stand a chance and who is straight up crazy.
Let’s begin…
The Front Runners
Apollo, 24, Magician, Queensland.
Most kids give up magic around age five when they realise it’s not that fun, but not Apollo. To be fair, his whole fire-rose-smoke trick was pretty impressive. Sophie also seemed blown away by his skills, a strong contender.
M8, it’s fire season
Final thoughts: Tall, dark, handsome and a touch of Houdini.
Prediction: 3rd
Jarrod, 31, Vineyard Manager, Victoria.
Owns a vineyard, should win because he owns a vineyard. That means you’re never without wine! Jarrod makes a grape entrance, bringing some grapes for he and Sophie to stomp on. Feet are disgusting so it’s a risky move.
Grape Expectations
Final Thoughts: Possible foot fetish but still owns a vineyard
Prediction: Possible winner, top 2 at least
Sam, 31, Voiceover Artist, New South Wales.
Sam initially appears to be three children dressed like tiny extras from The Godfather. We soon learn that these are Sam’s nephews and he’s sent them in to break the ice. Well played Sam. Everyone knows kids are way better than adults and pimping out your three nephews was a smooth move. Once the actual Sam arrives, Sophie seems to like him but he’s got a man bun which would be cool if it was 2013.
The Bachelor, breaking child labour laws since 2017
Final Thoughts: Man bun aside, Sam seems like a winner.
Prediction: Top 2
The Maybe Men
Mackane, 35, Small Business Owner, Western Australia.
Mack decides to sing a song (original) but you can tell by the look in his eyes that he knows it was a horrible mistake. The song is basically him screeching “you and me” and it goes for way too long.
Please don’t play a Bardot track
Final Thoughts: Could be a bolter, especially because he can’t sing, so he and Sophie have lots in common.
Prediction: 5th
Blake, 29, Investor/Entrepreneur, Western Australia.
Clearly this season’s villain, Blake is an entrepreneur and fan of selfies. If that’s not enough to turn you off he says things like “I can walk into the Ferrari shop and buy anything I want.” Blake gifts Sophie the Bogan starter pack – uggboots, wine and a dressing gown. She loves it and – terrifyingly – seems to like Blake.
“And if you look down here you’ll find my dignity” – Blake
Final Thoughts: Entrepre-NAH. Blake might have made a strong start but he won’t last.
Prediction: Top 10
Luke, 33, Business Culture Consultant, New South Wales.
Luke is your classic Bachelorette contestant. Pretty handsome, solid job, forgettable banter, he’s got all the makings of a mid season exit. Sophie checks his hands quickly, so take from that what you will.
My hands are small, I know…But they’re not yours they are my own – JEWEL
Final Thoughts: Seems lovely, won’t win.
Prediction: Top 10
The Thanks But No Thanks
Eden, 33, Scaffolder, Western Australia.
Let’s all agree that breakdancing is only cool in the movie Step Up. Someone probably should have told Eden. Wearing a matching tracksuit he busts a move in front of Miss Monk and it’s awkward for everyone involved.
You will not receive a rose.
Final Thoughts: Danced his way right out of the competition
Prediction: Two weeks tops.
James, 31, Financial Advisor, New South Wales.
He’s very nervous and you can tell he’s definitely binged Sophie’s entire filmography before the show started, James doesn’t know where to look. He does gift her a rose quartz necklace which is quite sweet, but the damage is done.
“I loved you in Entourage!”
Final Thoughts: Nerves may get the better of poor old Jimmy.
Prediction: May pass out in the bathroom and not be found for weeks.
Jourdan, 25, Bar Manager, Queensland.
Jourdan describes himself as weird and then promptly backs that up by blindfolding Sophie and walking away. This is certainly weird, though not as weird as the way he spells his name. WHY PUT THE LETTER U IN JOURDAN?!?!?
Sophie prefers seeing Jourdan this way.
Final Thoughts: There’s a U in Jourdan, but there’s no U in Sophie’s life
Prediction: Might last a couple of rose ceremonies based purely on numbers.
We’re then treated to a moving montage of men who aren’t important enough to have a proper entrance. Sorry to be the bearer of bad Bachie news boys, but if you don’t get any air time at this point, then you may as well pack your things.
Honourable Mention to this guy. Whose name I think is Hayden or Brayden, who cares, that’s not important. What is important is that he did this…
Dab-ulous entrance
If you feel comfortable enough to dab in a mustard suit then you’re ok with me pal.
Now a bunch of other highlights from tonight’s opening episode before we part.
Lips Licker.
This guy – I’m told his name is Ryan – who couldn’t stop licking his lips, it was very disturbing.
“Oi Soph, but do you reckon we should smooooooooooooooooooch?”
Non-Cheater
And also Jourdan with a U cried for awhile because his girlfriend didn’t cheat on him. During a game of never have I ever, Sophie asked the group if anyone had been cheated on. Jourdan started crying, leading everyone to assume he’d be cheated on. Eventually he said his ex-girlfriend didn’t cheat on him, but he was just sad. WOT m8?
Not being cheated on is the worst
Rose ceremony
Sophie says goodbye to two guys we’ve literally not seen once called Chad and Jamie and the show is done and dusted.
Hello for the first time.
