Dear Jarrod,
How’s the vineyard? I trust everything is going well.
Look, I don’t want to beat around the bush and fill this open letter with any more pleasantries. You’re the kind of man that likes to get to the point, so let’s get to the point indeed.
After watching tonight’s episode, I think it’s time to have an honest chat about your behaviour on The Bachelorette.
To say you’ve been overly keen so far is like me saying: “I didn’t know Jarrod owned a vineyard?”. Both statements are untrue because both are painfully obvious.
There’s no denying Sophie certainly has shown feelings toward you, especially when she was in grave danger on the high ropes and thought that your face may be the last face she ever sees. Those kind of traumatic moments can birth an unbreakable bond, like two people who meet during a natural disaster and end up getting married. Basically, near-death experiences can spark even the most unlikely coupling.
Anyway, since then you’ve slowly been unravelling and tonight was the icing on the crazy cake you’ve been cooking up.
First up, the man challenge. You had to change a tyre and despite presumably changing hundreds of tyres in your life, you came off second best.
After the challenge finished, everyone shook hands and agreed that the best team had won.
But not you. Even after Osher stepped in with his contractually obliged six-words-per-episode and said: “Jarrod, it’s over, your team lost”, you refused to stop.
Step away from Bridgestone
Now, I know you were thinking “nobody likes a quitter” but you know what people like less?
A sore loser. Your valiant effort to change that Bridgestone didn’t paint a pretty picture. Instead of coming across as reliable and steady, you came across as the kinda guy who would keep turning up to your work despite being fired months ago for misconduct.
I know you eventually changed the tyre successfully – side note: only time I’ve ever seen someone hug another person after changing a tyre – but despite this ‘win’, you’d already lost.
Want me to prove it?
Let’s move on to the rose ceremony, or as you prefer to call it: “My alone time with Sophie, no one go near her please.” I really hoped you might scale it back to 11 tonight but instead you ramped it up to 100. Sophie looked genuinely terrified the moment you whisked her away.
It’s happening again.
You waffled on a bit about the seeds of love and sprouting; it was all very sexual. I thought finally you might shed that polite-but-kinda-like-a-parent vibe and get down and dirty.
How wrong I was. Instead, you announced to Sophie that it was time for the pair of you to grow some love.
I’m sorry what?
Sophie, almost certain you were about to bury her alive, looked around for the nearest producer, alas, it was just the two of you.
For a brief moment I thought maybe this whole “let’s plant the seed of love and let it grow” schtick was a metaphorical thing. But then I remembered that you’re Jarrod and this is TV.
Actual footage of Sophie trying to dig herself out of the hole she’s in
It’s all too much, Jarrod. Sophie gave you an inch and you took a mile. I honestly picture you sitting in your Bachie room, surrounded by pot plants, coming up with different hashtags for your wedding day.
#HappilyJarried
#JarriedWithChildren
#WillYouJarryMe
The worst part is, you’re starting to cost yourself a real shot at love. You guys did have chemistry, but that was before you totally lost the plot (or pot?)
It was so obvious tonight that Sophie was flipping out.
PS this didn’t help.
We’re growing love, I can feel it, where’s your heart, I’m gonna steal it.
I’m not saying that you have to treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen, but there is something to be said for being cool, calm and collected. You spent an hour tonight talking about Sophie’s half-moon shaped earrings – WHY?
Just chill, have a bottle of your vineyard’s finest pinot and perhaps things might just work out after all!
Can you feel my love growing?
Your friend/writer you’ve never met,
Thomas
