In what seems like a huge error Sophie Monk has done the unthinkable and sent Apollo Jackson home on The Bachelorette Australia. That’s right, the man who is seemingly made of marble was banished from the mansion, heading back to the heavens where he belongs.
We now have our final two – Vasectomy Stu Laundy and Vinyard Jarrod Woodgate – snooze. Ever since we lost that guy with the mystery limp (Jasson? Jourdan?) Apollo has been the best thing about this show and now Sophie’s gone and ruined it.
Tonight’s wise words will be entirely dedicated to all the reasons Sophie should’ve kept Apollo and his happy-go-lucky-but-also-massive-rig vibe in the house.
1. He can do magic
You’re a 12 out of 10.
After a revolving door of mundane men, Apollo rocks up and sets a god damn rose on fire. Then he said Sophie was a 12 out of 10. Sure that’s mathematically impossible, but it’s also impossible to look like Apollo and be single. From the moment we learnt he was a magician it was clear that Apollo was head and shoulders above the rest of these pretenders. Also because he’s super-tall and built like a Marvel character.
2. He loves role play
Apollo The Magician, more like David Cop-a-feel
It took Sophie about 10 seconds to realise that Apollo was a rigatoni of the highest order. Unsurprisingly she made sure one of the first challenges involved Apollo dressing up like an extra from 300 and then promptly massaging his pecs. Producers eventually intervened and Apollo was ordered to stop being so good looking but the tone was set, he was a god amongst mere mortals.
3. He’s the vest guy ever
Vest On Ground
Apollo’s first single date involved he and Sophie dressing up in some Ye Olde Clothes and having a photoshoot. Apollo was given a vest to wear and he immediately looked like a butler – Downton Not-Too-Shabby styles. It was around this time that we really started to see that Apollo was a deadset legend. He opened up about being a chubby funster when he was young, which was also quite sweet.
4. Puppies love him
Def use this as your new Tinder profile pic
As if deciding to troll the entire nation, The Bachelorette producers decided to pair Apollo with some puppies. It was the kind of combination, much like cookies and cream, that is both delicious and sensible. These precious pooches were all up in Apollo’s grill – why? Because they knew he was a winner.
5. He’s comfortable in the presence of Shetland ponies
So much going on in this pic.
I’ve always found Shetland ponies very unsettling, this weird hybrid horse that just trots around at waist level. But last week Apollo introduced Sophie to his pet Shet and he wasn’t even remotely fussed. Then he started horse whispering. Further proof that everyone in the animal kingdom, from pretend ponies to cute puppies, loves Apollo.
6. Grandma Sh*t Stirrer
Too old to care
There’s no denying that Apollo’s grandmother has been the MVP this season (sorry, Osher). With a heart of gold and a mouth full of old school curse words, she straight up stole the show on hometown visits. If Apollo’s grandmother doesn’t convince you to marry into the family, what will?
7. He’s about to release an ABSOLUTE BANGER
Are you addicted?
In what may be my favourite news of 2017, it was revealed earlier today that Apollo was set to release his first single. The song is called “Addiction” (should’ve gone with “Solo Yolo by Apollo”) and while we don’t know what it will sound like, the cover art makes me think it’s not going to be garage rock. Not only is this foray into the world of music further proof that Apollo is as ambitious as he is strong, but Sophie used to do music too. So much in common!
Make room on the mantelpiece Apollo, I can feel the ARIA coming.
You can also be addicted on VINYL?
8. He’s comfortable letting brie/breadstick fill the silence
Great form on the nibblies
Last but not least, the final reason Sophie should’ve kept Apollo in the game is that he’s not put off by prolonged silences. If anything, Apollo comes into his own during excruciating bouts of nothingness, as shown tonight. On their (final) date, Apollo happily constructed an award winning breadstick-cheese combo while Sophie sat in silence, mortified by what was happening. A man who doesn’t mind speaking but does love cheese – what more can you ask for?
And then there were two… Jarrod vs Stu… good vs evil … vineyard vs vasectomy.
You get the drift. See y’all for the final!
