Three episodes into The Bachelorette and I’ve never felt closer to Sophie Monk.
We have so much in common – we both like Ugg boots, neither of us want to go on dates with Sam – we’re basically the same person.
Now given I’ve sacrificed far too much of my time watching Sophie fall in love, I want to ask her some questions after tonight’s episode.
1. Hey Soph, are your single dates making you sad?
First you had to go on a highwire, despite a crippling fear of heights. To make matters worse, you were joined by Jarrod, who presumably spent the entire date talking about his vineyard. How traumatic. Then tonight, you were dropped at some beach, probably in an Uber, not even an UberX and then had to pretend to enjoy surfing. It looked super overcast, kinda cold and honestly not that fun at all.
First date, worst date.
2. Do you know where Osher is?
We know there has been serious cut backs at Channel Ten in the past few months but it’s pretty obvious Osher’s role has been scaled back. Is he OK? We saw him once tonight for like 15 seconds and there was a sadness behind his eyes. It looked like he’d recently realised that he may have in fact peaked with Australian Idol – that’s tough to take. I’m concerned and would like to know where he is? #WheresOsherGonesberg?
No reward but.
3. Do you reckon your sister is a better actress than you?
I don’t want to take anything from your film career – loved you in The Hills Run Red BTW – but your sister Lucy was impressive tonight. The wig was seamless, the talk of ‘scribble art’ delivered without the slightest smirk. Extra points for the breathy voice that made her sound like an art critic. Younger siblings often try and steal things from their older brothers and sisters, did she just steal the limelight from you? I think maybe.
And the Logie for Most Popular New Monk goes to… LUCY
WATCH: Did Sophie Monk just give away the winner of The Bachelorette? (story continues after video)
4. Has Jarrod recently visited the sun?
I tried to ignore it for a while but Jarrod is a drop dead red. Everytime he’s on screen it looks like he just spent a fortnight tanning on the sun. Is it nerves? Undiagnosed rosacea? Too much excited energy because he’s preparing to kidnap you and spend the rest of your lives together whether you like it or not? Pls find out.
I’m not red, you’re red.
5. Do you reckon Sam and Jarrod could have their own ‘Odd Couple’ style spin-off show?
I do, I reckon it would be a smash hit. Jarrod is your typical down-the-line neat freak who lives a quiet, ordered and fun-free existence on his family vineyard. Then along comes Sam, a 34-year-old man child with doll’s hair and several shearling jackets. Odd couple? You bet!
Sam & Jarrod: Bachelorette Bros, premieres this summer.
Sometimes you find exactly what you’re looking for, where you least expect it.
