Seven Year Switch is really starting to live up to its name. Despite the fact we’re only six episodes in, it feels like seven years since this twisted TV show began.
Tonight the couples are planning the ‘perfect first date’ for their partner. I’ve been on tens of dates in my time so I know what to expect – a disappointing dinner followed by the words “Oh it’s late, I’ve got to work early tomorrow, I better get going.” Dates are overrated.
Anyway, before these guys can head off on their dates, Jo Lamble needs to visit Michael and Kaitlyn.
This is because Michael flew off the handle during the last episode and now the entire production team is concerned.
I’m also starting to realise that Michael doesn’t own clothes with sleeves. Just an observation.
99 Problems but my sleeves aren’t one.
Time for the dates and Kaitlyn has decided that for her ‘perfect date’ and Michael are going mermaiding – something Kaitlyn is ‘obsessed’ with.
She tells us that Mark doesn’t understand her obsession with mermaids and for once I’m kinda on the same page as Mark.
Nup, still don’t get it.
Sarge is up next and presumably, he and Tracy will be dropped out of a chopper in the wilderness with only the clothes on their back and a will to survive.
As it turns out he chooses lawn bowls because it’s “fun to take your shoes off.” So easily pleased Sarge.
Cut loose, Footloose, kick off your Sunday shoes.
On to Johnny and I feel like the producers blew the budget on the mermaid date because this one is a little lame.
Johnny has hired a BMW – I mean it’s a nice car but it’s not a hummer – and they head off to lunch.
I hired you a mid-range BMW, because I love you.”
Meanwhile, Felicity has decided to take Mark rock climbing because it’s the best way to hang out without actually having to talk. Well played Felicity.
“I feel like this brought us closer,” screamed Felicity.
Up next is Michael and he’s booked in a colonic irrigation as his poo-fect date.
Well, that’s it for me guys, we’ve reached peak reality TV and now we should all just lie down and wait for the end.
It’s a boy! Oh, no, wait, it’s just last night’s dinner.
Stacey Louise’s turn to take Johnny on a mediocre date, perhaps she’s hired a Hyundai for the day? Lols, but seriously they’re off for a massage which is nice.
Draw me like one of your French girls.
Time for Trace to treat Sarge to a date and they’re off wine tasting. Wine tasting is actually a smart date because it involves drinking but it’s also educational. Smart thinking, Trace. After tasting about a thousand rieslings Sarge declares that this is the kinda thing he really wants to do with Stacey Louise. Don’t be on it pal.
Finally, it’s Mark’s chance to plan a date for Felicity. Hands up if you think he’s going to ask her to dress up as Princess Leia and beat with him a light sabre? Just me? Carry on. Instead, he plans a candlelit, home-cooked meal, it’s actually pretty cute.
No matter how hard I try to connect with Mark every time he talks it’s like he is awkwardly reading a teleprompter.
“Felicity, enjoyed, dinner.
She, loved,
Every moment
I think.”
With the dates done and dusted it’s time for Psychologist Pete to come in and drop some relationship wisdom on all the unsuspecting couples.
LOVE HURTS AND CHECKERED SHIRTS.
Johnny cops a grilling over his lack of patience while Trace opens up about her separation from Johnny. Meanwhile, Sarge learns he has to stop trying to “fix” Stacey Louise and just let her make her own fridge-related mistakes.
It’s a real lightbulb moment for our military man and he starts reflecting on old relationships, where he may have gone wrong in the past. This is the perfect platform for the producers to dig up Sarge’s ex-girlfriend, Annie, and convince her to come on the show.
OOOOoooooooHHHHhhhhhh.
And that’s where they leave us, a nice return to form for Seven Year Switch. A Little bit of fun, little of drama, plenty of Sarge. See y’all next time.
