Apologies for the impending reminder that we’re all old, time goes depressingly fast and we’ve all probably wasted far too much of our lives watching TV, but it’s officially been a decade since Keeping Up With The Kardashians first hit our screens. Let’s just let that sink in for a second.
Love them or hate them, it’s difficult to even remember the days when a flick of the remote didn’t inevitably land on the gloriously monotonous tones of one of the Kardashian family.
We’ve been through marriages, divorces, births and a zoo’s-worth of pets with Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kylie, Kendall, Kris et al. We’ve seen their boobs, we’ve seen them give birth and we’ve seen their vaginas get waxed. We’ve also seen their faces change and careers blossom. So it’s hard to believe that the first family of reality TV can still shock us – but somehow, they continue to do so.
So, in celebration of this monumental Kardashiversary, let’s take a stroll down memory lane, deep into the heart of Calabasas, and revisit all the times they left our faces exactly like this:
That time Kris Jenner just casually got a monkey
So… Many… Questions about this ~~very obviously scripted~~ random as hell storyline.
Struggling with her children growing up and fleeing the nest, Kris Jenner adopts Suzy the Chimp to fill the void left by her human daughters. You can’t write this stuff. (Oh, wait, you totally can. And they probably did.)
Alas, Suzy’s time on the show was even more short-lived than Kim’s marriage to Kris Humphries, with Kris’s furry baby causing so much havoc in the house that she realised it wasn’t feasible to keep her. (Who’d have thunk it?!)
And just when you thought this chimp storyline couldn’t possibly be more crazy or ill-advised, Kim followed it up by releasing publicity shots of the family posing with Suzy just days after a showbiz chimp named Travis went on a rampage in Connecticut, ripping off the face of his owner. Kim was forced to apologise with a statement on her website.
“The pictures I posted are from six months ago when we were filming season three of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. I had held onto these pictures for months and preset them to run the month before my show was going to air, to give you guys exclusive glimpses into season three,” she wrote.
“What happened to the woman that was attacked by the chimpanzee was devastating! My mom and I saw it on the news and heard the 911 calls and we both cried! Our family is praying for everyone involved in that traumatizing attack. In no way did I mean to insult or offend anyone by posting these pictures.”
When Kim tried her hand at singing and it was a hot mess
NeverForget Kim Kardashian’s short-lived and doomed-for-failure music career. Kim collaborated with The-Dream (remember him? Us neither) for her track Jam: (Turn It Up), which was panned by the few people who bothered to listen to it. Kim later described it as “her biggest regret”.
“It’s definitely a memory, and it was a fun experience. We gave the proceeds to a cancer organization,” she said in a 2014 interview with Andy Cohen.
“But if there’s one thing in life that I wish I didn’t do … I don’t like it when people kind of dabble into things they shouldn’t be. And that I don’t think I should have. Like, what gave me the right to think I could be a singer? Like, I don’t have a good voice.”
But that didn’t stop her getting back into the recording studio one last time…
When the sisters recorded THIS VIDEO for Kris Jenner’s 60th without a hint of irony
Because a card and a party just doesn’t cut the mustard for a Kardashian birthday, Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, Kylie and Kendall recorded She Loves Her Friends as an ode to their mum on her 60th birthday.
The video sees the sisters (and a few celebrity cameos) singing on treadmills (because of course!) in a parody of Kris’s original effort from the ’80s, which she made to celebrate turning 30 to the tune of Randy Newman’s I Love LA.
Enjoy:
When Kourtney Kardashian gave Kim her breast milk to treat a skin condition
Kourtney Kardashian is not a doctor or a dermatologist, and probably never will be if her suggested cure for psoriasis is anything to go by.
In this 2013 episode, Kim is suffering with her long-standing skin condition and mentions that she’s heard that the lactic acid in breast milk can alleviate symptoms.
Wasting no time in coming to the aid of her sister, mother-of-two Kourtney proceeds to squeeze milk directly from her breast onto Kim’s leg for her to rub in.
And then Kourtney and Kim Kardashian fed their family placenta…
Ok, ok, they didn’t actually feed them placenta. But they did make the entire family believe that they had eaten it for an uncomfortable amount of time.
In a strange plan from the brains of Kim and Kourtney, off the back of Kim’s revelation that she might eat her own placenta post-birth, the sisters fed the family a dinner of unspecified meat, before telling them that it was actually human placenta obtained via the internet.
At the end of the episode the pair revealed it was all a joke, and the family had in fact consumed beef.
Lol?
When Kris spiked Bruce’s coffee with Viagra… then Rob drank it
Hmmmm. We’re identifying a running theme here. Spiking people with things without their consent isn’t funny or clever, readers. Unless you’re a reality TV show running dry on storyline ideas, in which case, apparently it’s OK.
In a 2009 episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kris put a performance-enhancing drug in then-husband Bruce Jenner’s coffee, in the hopes of spicing up their sex life. Then, in the kind of slapstick comedy you just can’t make up (ahem… you can) Rob Kardashian ends up drinking it. Things took a slightly more serious turn when Rob had to be taken to hospital after having a bad reaction to the drug. But all was OK in the end. (Aside from, ya know, Kris and Bruce’s marriage.)
The fact that Kris Jenner televised THIS allergic reaction
No, lip fillers did not finally get the better of the fam. In fact, what you see right here is Kris Jenner having a hectic allergic reaction to an insect bite in a 2012 episode, while holidaying in the Dominican Republic. It also serves as the perfect response for all those naysayers who claim the Kardashians ruthlessly control the image of themselves that’s portrayed on TV.
Because, seriously, why would anybody freely choose to put this out there for millions of people to see?
When Kris Jenner road-tested a coffin
Because how else are you supposed to know what your deceased self will be most comfortable in? (She also sent her family a coffin selfie, naturally.)
The morbidly themed 2012 episode ended with Rob throwing Kris a party to celebrate her life, to stop her worrying about death. Because in Kardashian world, a party solves all problems. Impending mortality included.
And speaking of inappropriate selfies…
The time Kim took selfies on the way to drop Khloe to jail
Khloe Kardashian was sentenced to up to 30 days in jail for violating probation following a DUI arrest in 2008 back in season three.
Proving once and for all that no situation is too serious or somber for a selfie, Kim took the opportunity to do just that from the back seat, as the family made the journey to drop Khloe off to begin her sentence.
“Kim, would you stop taking pictures of yourself?” Momager Kris Jenner snapped. “Your sister’s going to jail.”
Luckily for Khloe, the local jails were full of more serious criminals at the time, so she only ended up serving three hours of her sentence before being released. We assume celebratory selfies ensued.
What happened on Kim Kardashian’s Playboy shoot…
The episode in which Kim poses for her first Playboy magazine shoot is probably remembered most for this iconic moment:
But, in our opinion, it’s actually this lesser-known moment that’s worth committing to memory.
In what is surely the definition of dysfunctional family behaviour, Kris got so inspired watching her daughter pose for the shoot that she decided to one-up her. This being the result:
There are no words.
Kim and Kourtney Kardashian’s ‘best smelling vagina’ contest
In a 2013 episode, Kim and Kourtney took their competitive nature to ridiculous new heights, necking copious amounts of pineapple juice in a bid to make their downstairs aromas more pleasant.
Khloe Kardashian was then called in to judge which sister’s vagina smelled the best, because apparently that’s what siblings are doing these days?
And if that isn’t the most ridiculous thing you’ve read all day, then we’re genuinely interested to hear what is.
Happy anniversary, you crazy, insane people! (Side note: Where the hell are you going to take things from here?)
