Every season of The Bachelor Australia we’re promised fights, drama and ultimately love.
It’s all part and parcel, right..? But HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL.
We’re two episodes into Matty J’s quest to find “The One”… and all we’ve found is an ulcer.
Watching these women rip each other apart is simply VILE.
To be fair, there are some absolute gems among the contestants.
Like Tahitian-born beauty Elora, who bagged the very first date with our boy.
She’s ethereal, sweet, kind, there for love… HOLY DUMPLINGS ON A COLD DAY:
Elora is essentially our new Nikki Gogan.
You made this happen oh wise Bachie goddess
Bach to sweet Elora’s date, it was a banger.
She and Matty go to Port Stephens (my parents were right when we there one too many times on a family vacay…)
Despite the fact that it’s freezing, the duo heat things up by snuggling up on a boat.
They proceeded to go for a swim, check each other out majorly, return to shore, flirt some, chat some, bring up Georgia Love.
And then, most importantly, Elora scored a red rose.
The new rose-owner sailed back home, on cloud nine. BIG MISTAKE.
Never show your happiness in the Bachie mansion, Elora… You’ll learn soon enough, sweet Tahitian princess.
Because there’s nothing to do there except wait for casual MJ updates, all the girls interrogate Elora.
The 27-year-old described her time with Matty as “real”, and like the true dolphin she is, Elora wanted to keep some of the details private.
“Um … you know what? To be honest, it was so real and there’s so much that happened between me and him that I really need time to think about what I want to say and what I’m not gonna say just because it was really REAL and I’m just trying to protect my heart.”
Some were happy, some weren’t too fussed but then there were Jen and Leah.
Why are you so familiar…
Regina George and Gretchen Weiners aka Leah and Jen didn’t quite grasp the concept of “real”.
Luckily for us, Elora took some inspo from Gal Gadot’s Wonder Woman, and turned her inner warrior on, standing her ground and ignoring their shade.
Elora casually repelling all insults.
The following day, Matty decides a school excursion for his restless admirers is exactly what is needed.
Off we go to our very first Group Date.
Following Bachie tradition, it is time for the annual Woman’s Day photoshoot.
Apparently sh-tty behaviour was an on-set requirement.
Before we delve any deeper, a side note: Nothing fills our hearts with more joy than a Bachie villian.
Our reigning queen Keira was both witty, brilliant, sassy and provided enough shade that slip, slop, slap have actually considered endorsing her.
Then we have our honourable mentions like dirty street pie, jungle princess Laurina.
Classy and catty are the perfect combo, and we will forever be indebted to her.
But great responsibility comes with being a Bachie villian… You have to make us LOL into our couch cushion, even groan.
This year’s candidates, one-time-putrid-dress-wearer Jen and what-alternate-reality-are-you-living-in-Leah, need to talk to their writers, because we are not laughing or groaning at anything that comes out of their mouth.
Appalled seems to be the nation’s response to the duo.
Making disparaging comments about other contestants’ weight and looks? Not ok!
Back to the photoshoot – We had four concepts:
Ride in and see Leahs’ roaring Bike shoot .
We’re going back to school with Simone, Tara and Cobie’s shoot
Go back in time with the Class of 89’ gang Sian, Laura, Natalie and Liz
**Splash right into Jen and Florence’s pool date
Cliff notes:
1. Jen was sinking as a lifeguard and we were all very uncomfortable.
2. Jen was rude about pretty much every girl on the shoot.
3. Leah thought she better than anyone else on the shoot.
4. Leah tried to kiss Matty, he PULLED AWAY and delivered, potentially, the best line this season: “I think that would be a little bit inappropriate.”
Matty, man of mystery has time to squeeze in one more date with model Lisa.
Of course the beauty gets a rose and we all cheer.
Back to the mansion it’s time to boot one more contestant out, but before that Jen and Leah decide to play one more round of “How mean can I actually be?”
The dynamic duo attempted to split up new Bachie besties Elora and Simone, but no luck there.
“It’s time for me to up my game and throw a spanner in the works basically for being a cocky b-tch,” Jen tells the camera.
Queen Elora plummets her with this zinger, “I don’t think you’re very nice,” before describing her a “dark” human.
Leah comes to her fellow baddie’s rescue but with no luck, Simone bellows, “I DON’T LIKE YOU! I DON’T LIKE YOU! F–KING IDIOT!”
Failing to get the drama they both wanted, both Leah and Jen survive another rose ceremony – so no one really got what they want.
We say goodbye to Kim K look alike, Laura-Ann… And another week of Bachie.
We’re probably going to have to send Tina Fey in to sort them out. Until next time!
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