Two years after her teenage daughter succumbed to cancer, the former swim star tells Julie Hayne why she is still tormented by unanswered questions.
The tragic death of her teenage daughter from cancer still haunts swimming legend Tracey Wickham. It has turned her into a recluse, barely able to leave her house.
The free spirit who brought Australia gold medal glory in the pool from 1978 to 1982 was so devastated by the loss of Hannah two years ago that she put her whole life on hold.
Only now is she able to face the world again, and rebuild a relationship with her daughter’s widower, Tom O’Driscoll.
“I spent the first 12 months just shutting myself off from the world,” Tracey reveals. “I’d take the phone off the hook and close the curtains.
“Going grocery shopping to put some food in the fridge was an effort, because I just wanted to sit at home in my PJs, shut the house up, and make the world go away. I couldn’t deal with anything and, as anyone who has lost a child would know, you can go to some very dark places.”
Before her death from synovial sarcoma, a rare form of cancer that attacks muscles, fat and fibrous tissue, 19-year-old Hannah married Tom in an emotional bedside ceremony. Three hours later, she died.
Tracey, known for her courage and discipline as a swimmer, says she simply had no way of controlling the heartbreak she has felt since Hannah’s death.
“People often say to me, ‘It’s been almost two years now. It’s time to move on,” she says, shaking her head sadly. “Or they say things like, ‘I lost my great aunt last year, so I know how you’re feeling.’
“I feel like screaming when people say things like that, because no-one understands how it feels unless they, too, have lost a child,” explains Tracey, who admitted herself to hospital seeking treatment for depression six months after Hannah’s death.
Memories of wonderful times dance through Tracey’s head along with sad reminders.
“Mother’s Day, birthdays – hers and mine – Christmas, the thought of being cheated out of watching my daughter’s children grow up … how are you supposed to just ‘move on’ when it still hurts so much?”
Your say: leave your messages of support and well wishes in the comments below
To donate to Hannah’s Chance Foundation to help research into synovial cancer, visit www.hannahschancefoundation. org.au
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