For some parents, discovering their child is homosexual is a crushing blow that destroys their relationship, but as Michael Sheather discovers, it can also open the way to self-awareness and even stronger family bonds.
Narelle Phipps knew quite early that her son Neil saw the world through a different prism. “I first wondered if Neil might be gay when he was about eight,” says Narelle. “He was our only son, but he seemed so very different to the other boys.”
Portia on anorexia, coming out and Ellen
“He loved rhythmic gymnastics and he’d dance around on the deck, twirling coloured ribbons in the air. His sister is five years older than he is, but he joined in her jazz ballet classes and loved it, but didn’t seem to notice that he was the only bloke. He was a gorgeous boy who made a wonderful contribution to the family because he was so lovely.”
For the next decade, Narelle did what she now describes as “a wonderful job of burying my head in the sand. I just pushed that to the back of my mind and carried on,” she says. “I don’t know why. Perhaps I was hoping that it would all go away and I wouldn’t have to deal with it. But I was wrong.”
Coming to terms with the reality of a homosexual child is a difficult prospect for many parents. More than one million Australians – about one in 20 – define themselves as gay or lesbian, though many believe a truer rate could be as high as one person in 12.
While some have no trouble accepting their children for who they are, others struggle in an emotional conflict that sometimes tears families apart. Not only must parents overcome their own prejudices, they must also overcome an overwhelming assault from some of the most powerful feelings in the human spectrum – fear, grief and even disgust – many times fuelled by misunderstanding, misinformation and ignorance, and all of them destructive in their own way.
Yet, as the case studies in the January issue of The Weekly show, it does not always have to end in bitterness and recrimination, nor in family breakdown.
When Neil was 18, Narelle and her husband Keith, an engineering consultant from western Sydney, came home from a weekend away. “We came home to discover that Neil had gone to Mardi Gras, the annual gay and lesbian parade in Sydney, with some friends and that he had worn his sister’s silver spangly dress.
In pictures: 2010 — an interactive year in review
“I sat down with him at the dining room table and asked him if he was gay and he said, ‘No Mum, I’m not.’ Two weeks later, I asked him again and this time he said yes. To my eternal regret, I handled it badly. I told him I was devastated. He needed me to understand, but some part of me wasn’t really listening. It was awful. I’m so sorry about that. I’d had 10 years to get ready for it, but I didn’t.”
Read more of this story in the January issue of The Australian Women’s Weekly.
Your say: What do you think of this story? Is your son or daughter gay? Has finding that out changed your relationship? Share with us below.
Related stories
Native ad body.
Native ad body.
Native ad body.
